


Can't Let Go

by Sexy_grrrl



Series: save me from despair [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Amputation, Assault, Eleanor Is A Beard, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn, Tour Bus, Touring, past Louis tomlinson/original female character - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-09-16 19:23:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 38,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16960047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sexy_grrrl/pseuds/Sexy_grrrl
Summary: The boys of One Direction are hit hard when Zayn leaves; but they're coping. Then Dan, their guitarist leaves without an explanation and the band is forced to find a new guitarist before their North American leg of their Where We Are Tour. Add to that a secret relationship, beards, new and old friendships, and a broken girl with a fractured past.





	1. Only wanted for you to save me

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic to ever write, let alone post.  
> I've played around with some timelines a bit to make everything fit better together with what I had in mind.  
> This fic is not beta'd, if you would like to help out then please let me know.  
> Please leave any feedback you might have, I would greatly appreciate it!  
> -S

Louis runs out of his front door into the pouring rain, almost tripping over his untied shoes before making his way to the idling black SUV that is waiting just outside the gate to his property.  Only London would have bloody rain in the middle of November. Just recently all members of the Band decided to get their own houses that were not in the same complex, Liam being the one who lives the farthest away from everyone. It wasn’t like they all felt the need to distance themselves from each other. They Just felt like it was the right time to be more private and it was less of a security risk. When they all lived in the same area, four houses all behind one gate, there were fans always lined up on the other side of the gate trying to catch a glimpse of one of them. Now no one but people who need to know and close family know where each band member lives.

Once Louis makes sure that the gate is locked properly behind him, he climbs into the black SUV, quickly finding an empty spot to park his butt for the ride over to Simon’s office. Still rubbing sleep from his eyes as the vehicle starts to move. “What’s up with management always calling us into meetings so bloody early in the morning?” Louis asks the other three in the car. All he gets are grunts in reply, everyone in the car feeling just as tired as he was.

The ride over is completely silent, everyone either leaning against a window or a shoulder to fall back asleep on. Louis finds himself leaning against Harry’s shoulder, nuzzling a bit knowing Harry wouldn’t mind him getting cuddly seeing as Harry was just as cuddly and affectionate with everyone in the band. Just as Louis shuts his eyes, all wet from the rain yet warm with Harry’s arm wrapped around his shoulder, the SUV comes to an abrupt halt causing Louis’ knees to slam into the back of the seat in front of him and his head to whip forward causing a sharp pain in the left side of his neck.  _ I guess that’s what I get for not wearing my seat belt _ , Louis thinks as he tries to cuddle back into Harry after making sure his neck and knees were ok. “C’mon Lou, were here. We need to get out.” Harry says and shuffles away from Louis. Louis groans because of course he had to be the last one to get picked up out of the four of them because he lived closest to Simon’s office. Thus, he couldn’t get anymore shut eye like the others did. 

All four of them climb out of the car directly into a puddle and rush to get inside of the building so they didn’t get soaked, some man in black standing by the open car door with an umbrella to give more cover from the downpour. It's a huge glass building with security guards at the front and even metal dectors as well. Recording studios were located on the first few floors, board rooms on the next couple floors. Then it's an array of offices for anyone who works in the building. Once inside, Liam leads them to the elevator and they all pile in sluggishly, still half asleep. “I want to be back in me own bed right about now,” Niall grumbles as the elevator starts to move, getting them closer to the top floor because Simon just had to have an office at the very top. "It was such a good sleep too, now that we have some time off the catch up on sleep."

“I think everyone in this elevator agrees with that statement mate.” Louis says from where he’s leaning against the wall. “I was so happy to get two weeks off before we start the North American leg. I thought it would be two weeks of no work, so why the hell has Simon called us in, five days into our break? I knew it was too good to be true.” Louis feels a warm hand grab his shoulder ready to remove it, he looks to see Harry’s hand so Louis decides to not shrug it off, never the one to deny any affection from the younger boy. Louis’ always had a soft spot for the lad.

Shortly enough, Louis finds himself seated across from Simon with not only his other band mates but also with three fourths of the backing band as well. Josh the drummer, Sandy the bassist, and Jon the pianist and music director. Dan was not here which strook Louis as odd. Dan was never late or missing from any meetings or, if Louis’ memory serves him right, any shows even if he was sick. 

“Lads, thank you for coming in very early on your break, I’m glad none of you had decided to leave the country.” Knowing more than half of the young men sitting across from him owned houses in America, Simon says once everyone is settled into either a chair or the couch. “I guess I’ll get right into it then as to not keep you waiting any longer. I truly wanted each of you to get your full two weeks off but this can't wait,” Simon sighs, rubbing his hands up and down his face a few times. “ Liam, Niall, Harry, Louis,” Simon pauses to sigh again, “I’m sorry to say that I don’t have good news. Ass I am sure you have noticed, Dan is not here. I was informed early this morning by the members of your backing band that Dan has suddenly left. He messaged Josh, Sandy and Jon around two in the morning saying that he was leaving and that we should not try to find him, that he was not coming back...” Simon tries to continue talking but he stops once he realizes that the others in the room need a few moments to process everything. 

Louis feels a like he’s been stabbed right in the gut, he finds himself breathless. First Zayn and now Dan. Louis was so close to Zayn, both of them pulling pranks on the others in the band even pulling pranks on their management team. Dan and Louis hit it off right away once the older lad got hired on as their guitarist. Dan would often help with the pranks, but more recently, Dan would help Louis with songs for their new Album. Stunned, Louis turns to his backing band, “Can I see the message?” Louis asks and thankfully Josh pulls his phone out, opens up he messaging app before giving it to Louis to read.  _ I can’t take this anymore. _  Louis reads,  _At_ _  first it was fun, I enjoyed it,  this fulfilled everything I ever wanted out of a career. I  just need a break, I want to start a family and I can’t do that if I’m trapped by Syco and Modest! Management. The constant tours and practicing year after year isn't what I want to do anymore. Zayn honestly had the right idea in leaving. I’m gone and I suggest you leave too, don’t come looking for me or you'll regret it. _ Louis hands the phone over to Harry who is on his left so that he can read the message too. Louis looks up, trying to keep composure while he slowly breaks on the inside. “Why does it seem like this band is falling apart?” Louis asks out into the open, stale air of the room. “Are any more people going to quit? Is this seriously too much? All of the touring and recording?” Louis starts to question.  _ Was this job getting too hard on everyone? On me? _

“Sometimes things like this happen, I’ve seen it enough times to last a lifetime. But the best thing to do is be strong and all of you lads are strong. Zayn left eight months ago and I can only assume that is what triggered Dan into leaving. I know that it has been tough on everyone but some more than others,” Louis watches as Simon glaces over to him and Louis tenses under the stare. Louis feels a brush against his hand, looking down to see the back of Harry's hand brushing against his. “But you are all working through it extremely well and I admire that about all of you." Simon explains with a small smile gracing his face. 

Louis watches as Simon stands up and walks over to the window in his office. "Dan left and that is something that we all need to work to get over. I know, that sounds extremely harsh. But the reality is that you boys have the second half of a tour to complete and you all leave to do that tour in nine days. You boys have never played with backing tracks, but you can't sing and play without a guitarist. so, that now means we need to find a new guitarist and soon. We can push back the tour dates for the first shows in New York by a week if we need to.” Simon explains still looking out the window. 

“How are we going to find a new guitarist in just a few days? Let alone a good guitarist?” Liam asks. 

“I think going public with this information would be a foolish decision. Do any of you know of anyone who could step in? It doesn’t have to be a permanent position, but just something to get us through the first few shows in America?” Simon asks turning around to look out at the seven young men sitting in front of him.

“I’ll have to make a few calls to some musicians that I know, but I might not get a definitive yes from any of them.” Sandy says. 

“Please try to get a hold of them. Anyone else?” Simon asks out to the others, sitting back at his desk.

Everyone is silent for a few moments while they all wrack their brains for anyone they might know that would be able to step up and fill this position at such a short notice. Louis huffs, about to give up thinking just as a name flashes in his brain,  _ Ava. _ “I might have someone." Louis suddenly says, everyone turning to look at the lad. "It’ll be a long shot because I haven’t seen her since Sixth Form, but she was a gifted Guitar player.” Louis says, his brain already trying to figure out how to find Ava. 

“Okay, I think that if we all work together on this, we can get through this. Niall, can you start looking over the guitar music for all of the songs on the set list so that you can help out when we find a new guitarist? If need be, for the first few shows you can play more than usual.” Simon asks the Irish lad. 

“Sure thing,” Niall replies. 

“Alright. I get that I had to be the bearer of bad news, but it is nice to get the ball rolling. If there is nothing else, you all can go back to your break. Please try to enjoy it even with this new information. I am always here if you need to talk to someone.” Simon dismisses everyone. The backing band going in one SUV while the others go into another SUV. 

  


“So who’s this person you were talking about? I don't think I've ever heard of an Ava in your life before which is surprising since you are always talking about your family and friends back in Donny.” Liam asks once everyone was in the car and seated. Louis sighs but goes to answer anyways.

“Her name is Ava, she was friends with Hannah when Hannah and I were dating before I found out I didn’t like girls. She was also the one who helped with the little band, Rogue, I was in when I was in Sixth Form. She moved from Canada with her parents and we were really good friends. She was a very gifted guitar player, it seemed like the music spoke to her, that the guitar was an extension of her rather than an instrument. I, um, unfortunately lost contact with her once the X-Factor gained speed, I was only at my house back in Donny for a total of five days in two and a half years and then I bought meself a house in London with everyone else so I haven’t seen or heard from her in about five years.” Louis laments as he looks out the window of the fast moving car as it races down the motorway, passing other cars. 

“How are you going to get in contact with her?” Harry asks. 

“From Hannah, she’s gotta know something. I’m just glad that her and I still keep in contact with each other even after the ban that Management put on us.”

“She can’t hate you for liking who you like.” Louis reaches over and grabs Harry's hand in his, squeezing tight not wanting to let go.

   


Louis gets dropped off first, getting out of the SUV with a smack to the ass from a certain cheeky Irishman, “Oi!” Louis shouts at the sudden sting, walking away with the sounds of everyone chuckling.

"You like it!" Niall yells out after Louis. 

"But only from Harry," Louis hears Liam say. Louis refuses to look back, just shaking his head as he walks towards his front door.

Once Louis gets in the house he shrugs off his jacket and toes off his shoes before going into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. Seeing no point in going back to sleep at this point so he might as well caffeinate so he can stay awake all day. Waiting for the kettle to boil, Louis’ mind starts to drift off to Ava. He hasn’t honesty thought about her for years now and the thought alone makes Louis sick to the stomach. How could he be so inconsiderate to the person who helped shape him into who he was today? Finding Ava again is not going to be an easy task, that is one thing Louis knows for sure.

Once his tea is made, Louis curls up on his couch, putty the telly on low for background noise and pulls out his phone, searching through his contact list for Hannah’s number. Once he finds it, nerves start to flutter in his stomach, he hasn’t spoken to her in the better part of a year. Without thinking anymore, Louis sets his tea down on the coffee table and dials Hannah’s number. It rings a few times before a soft feminine voice comes through. “Hello?” Hannah asks. 

“Hey love, it’s Louis.” Louis says.

“Louis? Damn, I haven’t heard from you in months. Mr. rich and famous too busy for my poor arse?” 

“I know Han, I’m so sorry. I’ve been really busy.” Louis says truthfully. 

“I know how busy you are, always over the news, selling out stadiums.”

“Yeah, it’s been a rough couple of months, very busy. The fast pace makes it easy to forget all the bad things going on though so I can’t really complain.” Louis pauses not knowing how to bring up the reason why he decided to call Hannah in the first place. Thankfully, Hannah beats him to it. 

“I can assume you called for something other than to catch up with little ol’ me.”

“Yeah, I need to ask you a favor.”

“OK, shoot,” Hannah replies easily. 

“I need to find Ava,” Louis asks but cringes once he hears the sigh from the other end of the phone. 

“Why?” Hannah asks, her voice getting a sharp edge to it. 

“Han, I know I fucked up when it came to Ava, just leaving without ever talking to her again. But, what I’m about to tell you, you need to promise me you won’t tell anyone.” Louis stresses. 

“Of course Lou, I know how this works. You’ve shared many things with me that you shouldn’t have in the first place.”

“Our guitarist just quit and we are scrambling to find a new one. I know I haven’t seen Ava since before I left for the X-Factor but I know she is a really good guitar player and I’d like to ask her if she’d be willing to help us out.” Louis explains knowing that it was such a long shot in the first place, about ready to admit failure.  

There is silence between Louis and Hannah while Hannah processes everything Louis told her. Finally after about two minutes, Louis gets an answer. “I’m hesitant to tell you anything Louis. When you left she was hurt. You and I were her only friends when she lived in Donny. I never told you any of what I’m telling you now because I knew if I told you back when Ava confided in me, you’d forget about chasing your dreams and you’d come running back to us.” Louis felt his heart break a bit at that. “But I want to help you find her again because I miss her and I want her back in your life but also my life too. I don’t have contact with Ava anymore since she moved back to Canada. I know both her parents were involved in a car accident when they were visiting family back in Ontario. I also know that her parents passed away from the crash. I can tell you where her hometown is but that is all I know, I don’t know if she’s living there anymore. I’m sorry lou.” 

“No need to apologize love, you’ve helped me out a lot even if I don’t really deserve it. I promise I’ll fix all of this.” Louis reassures her. 

“Okay then, I need to get back to work, but do me a favor and not wait almost a full year before contacting me again, I don’t want to lose you too. Oh, and she lives in a town called Port Hope, Ontario.” Hannah says. 

“Okay, talk to you soon Hannah.” Louis replies before hanging up. 

Louis sets his phone down in favor for his cup of tea, sipping from the now lukewarm liquid as he ponders over what to do now. While he thinks, his cat, Franky, finally makes his presence known by curling up on top of Louis’ feet keeping them warm because Louis doesn’t like wearing socks. Louis shoots off a quick group text to the other three lads letting them know that he’s gotten somewhere in finding Ava. Louis could only think of one thing to do after texting the others, so he pulls up his contact list again to call Simon, but getting his receptionist. “Syco Records, Mr. Cowell’s office.” the bubbly receptionist says. 

“G’morning love, I need to speak with Simon.” Louis tells her. 

“I’m sorry but Mr. Cowell is quite busy at the moment. If I can get your name and  number I can see if he could call you back within three business days.” 

“Could you tell him right away that this is Louis Tomlinson and that I really need to speak with him right away.” Louis could almost hear the right moment that the receptionist realized who he was. 

“Right away sir, just one moment for me to patch you through.” Louis heard the line go silent before Simon picks up.

“Hey Simon, I didn’t know you got a new receptionist.” Louis hears Simon chuckle from the other end. “I called because I need a flight to Toronto, Ontario right away.” Louis says as soon as the older man picks up the phone knowing Simon won’t question Louis.

“Okay I can do that for you, will you be taking any security?” Simon asks already getting the flight booked. 

“No, it’ll just be me. It’s a small town so I shouldn’t get recognized.”

“Okay then, be at the London Airport for three this afternoon, your flight is at four. I can only assume what this is about, but please, for the sake of the band, go find your friend.”

“Thank you Simon, and maybe tell your receptionist to instantly patch in calls from any of us in the band?.” Louis says before hanging up so he can call Harry. “Hey mate, I’m heading off to Canada to find Ava so could you come over to take care of Franky while I’m gone. I usually have the house cleaner do it but she’s on holidays. I also know that the others don’t get along with him like you do, I swear you’re the fucking cat whisperer or something.” Louis asks already knowing Harry will say yes because he loves his cat. 

“Sure thing Lou, I’ll also tell the others for you. Good luck.” Harry replies. 

“Thanks love, talk to you soon.” Louis hangs up, moves Franky off of his feet before climbing the stairs to get to his room so he could pack. 

**

When Louis’ flight lands , it is nine in the morning, his jet lag setting him back five hours from the seven hour flight. He only packed a small carry on full of his clothes and phone charger so he didn’t need to wait at the baggage carousel so he just walks out to the car rental place to get himself a rental car for his stay in Ontario. So far, he’s enjoying not being recognized seeing as he never told anyone besides his band mates and Simon about coming here. He’s also enjoying the relaxed pace of everything, the other times he was in Toronto, it was on tour and he wasn’t able appreciate the city, or the airport for that matter. There weren’t lines of fans screaming at him like last time and it was a bit of a shock at how much Louis missed that. 

Once he gets his rental car, he throws his bag onto the passenger seat before plugging the address to his hotel in the town of Port Hope. It takes Louis a bit of time getting used to driving in Canada, the last time he drove a car that was on the right side of the road was for a music video some years ago. Louis relaxes a while into the drive, grabbing a tea then he was on his way. 

Halfway through the drive Louis could feel exhaustion seeping into his bones. He had a very stress filled morning and he wants nothing more than the curl up in a bed for a bit. 

About two hours later, Louis is pulling up to his hotel around noon, but his his internal clock telling it was time for supper. Louis checks in without any trouble, only getting one odd look for his different accent, no one recognizing him yet.. Once he is settled in his room, he orders room service deciding that he needed to eat. He soon regrets not bringing his own Yorkshire tea bags once he realizes that there was no good tea options in the hotel room. While he waits for his room service, he pulls out his phone so he could face time Harry, knowing that is was around eight there and Harry would most likely be hanging out with Liam and Niall eating pizza and playing Xbox.

Sure enough, when Harry picks up the call, Louis can see that he is in fact with Niall and Liam all over at Niall’s place because Niall has the biggest TV out of all of them. He claims it’s because the big screen allows him to watch gold better on it. “Hey Lou! How was your flight? Hows Canada?” Harry asks and Louis feels a familiar pull in his stomach at the sound of the other lad's voice. 

“It’s been good to me so far. The time change is a bit much, but nothing I’m not used to. The flight was okay, Simon got me a good seat so I just curled up and slept. Miss you lads.” Louis responds. 

“Awe, we miss you too Tommo,” Niall replies from the background. 

“I’ll start looking for Ava tomorrow after a good night’s sleep.”

“Do you know when you’ll be back?” Liam asks. 

“I’ll be back in three days with or without Ava.” Louis replies really hoping to find  her as soon as possible. “I would like to enjoy at least a few more days of my break even if I can’t find her.”

“Well, I’m about to win a fifa game for once because you're not here to beat my ass and you’re not even here to witness it, so  I’ll hang up Lou.” Harry says just as Louis’ room service arrives.

Louis and the other exchange goodbyes before Harry hangs up. Louis flops back on the bed after grabbing the food deciding that he’ll go for a dip in the hotel hot tub, hoping the hot water will relax his tense muscles from flying. Usually Harry or even Liam will rub his shoulders after a really bad plane ride for him, but seeing as Harry isn’t there with him, the hot tub will have to do. Everyone knows how tense Louis gets while travelling, the tour bus is usually ok with Louis, but planes freak Louis out a bit too much, always causing him to get tense even after five years of flying constantly. Their management tried to hire a massage therapist for when the boys toured but all of them declined since Liam took a massage therapy course when he was 16 and Harry just hand gifted hands that could easy any tense muscles. 

Louis and Harry had always had a really tight relationship ever since X-Factor where they met in the bathroom during bootcamp. Ever since, they were inseparable. Harry was the first person Louis told when Louis first felt like he could be something other than straight. Harry also confided in Louis that he too was not straight, but didn’t know what label to put on it. Together they confronted the other in the band after X-Factor that they were gay, but not in a relationship. While Louis felt the need to protect Harry because Harry is the youngest, he also felt the need to protect Harry because Harry is precious to Louis. Liam and Niall realized from the start that Louis and Harry just had this connection that the others didn’t share with them, and they were ok with that. All four of them were the bestest of friends, just Louis and Harry shared this special bond.

In the early X-Factor days, Louis and Harry tried dating. It was short, but it was sweet young love. Soon Simon found out and suggested they not be together until after the X-Factor just in case their band broke up and the two young boys agreed, they wanted to focus all of their attention on winning the show. Once the show was over and they were signed with Simon, they had forgotten all about getting back together, the both of them were too focused on the band. It took a while to convince their management that were not in fact a couple but just that they were over affectionate towards each other.  Louis and Harry both got beards, Louis got Eleanor and Harry got a sting of random women as to hide the fact that they were both gay. Louis and Harry were very affectionate towards each other on and off stage and slowly rumors started that they were together even though they had “girlfriends.” Their management forced them apart even when they argued that they weren’t together in any way. Now Louis and Harry are allowed to sit next to each other but their interactions need to be limited on stage.

The two of them got back some freedom once the fandom picked up on the fact that Niall and Harry interacted more on stage recently. Niall laughed and the rumors claiming that him and Harry were together because he is, in his own words, as straight as they come. Management didn’t want to force Niall and Harry away claiming that by doing so, the fandom would figure that something iffy was going on. Instead, they made Harry say in an interview that he was just a super affectionate person and that he likes to have a good time on stage with his best mates and that he is not in a relationship with any of them. It worked, Louis and Harry were allowed to interact more on stage but never be seen alone together out in public. 

**

Louis wakes up much earlier than he wanted to, the time change still screwing with him. He ends up laying in bed for a while longer scrolling through his social media before deciding to get up and shower to start his busy day. Once done his shower, he changes into sweats with a loose white shirt and a grey hoodie. He doesn’t bother styling his hair, actually forgetting to bring any hair product with him, opting to throw a beanie over his wet hair making him look instantly three years younger despite the bit of stubble showing. Louis grabs his phone, car keys, hotel key and wallet before making his way out to his car, grabbing an apple from a bowl on the reception desk on his way out. 

Louis realized once he started driving that he didn’t know where to start looking for Ava. deciding he should take care of hunger first, he heads to the McDonalds to grab some food and maybe do some digging around. Soon enough Louis is seated in the Mcdonalds with a cup of coffee and a muffin. He just sits there enjoying the silence for a bit while his coffee cools off a bit. If Niall was here right now he’d be taking the piss out of the fact that Louis is drinking coffee. Louis likes to stick to tea when possible and Niall calls Louis posh for not liking coffee and only liking tea, Like a true Brit. At this point, Louis could care less, Louis just needs caffeine. 

About an hour later, a worker comes up to him and asks if he’d like a refill on his coffee, he says yes and when she comes back with a fresh cup Louis decides to ask her a few questions. “Excuse me love, I’m trying to find an old friend of mine. Her name’s Ava Provoes, do you happen to know her?” Louis asks, making sure to lay the accent on heavy because if there is anything he’s learned while touring is that Canadians and Americans love a good British accent. And his Yorkshire accent is a pretty damn good one is he says so himself. Lots of people have told him so.  

“I know of an Ava who works at the Mom and Pop just down the road as a waitress. I don’t know her last name though so it might not be her. She comes by every once and awhile and I chat her up sometimes.” The worker says. 

“Thanks love, you’ve been helpful.” Louis winks before grabbing his cup to take a sip as she walks away. Once Louis finishes his cup with a grimace, he’s off to the Diner down the road determined to find Ava. 

In the end, Louis chickens out last minute and instead of driving to the Diner, he ends up driving around the town. Louis quickly finds that the town is right on a huge lake and even though it is stupidly cold out, the lake is still being swam in by people wearing wetsuits. It is definitely colder here than it is in London. All Louis can do is shake his head and keep driving along the lake road. It’s 11:30 when Louis stops putting along and decides to  _ actually  _ go to the Diner. No more beating around the bush, he pulls up to the restaurant. He gets out and walks in really hoping to find Ava here. Louis really wants to mend his fractured friendship that he once had and he hopes to get a really good guitarist out of it too. 

He’s greeted by the hostess who quickly seats him in the near empty restaurant. Louis just ends up ordering a beer and fries, not feeling hungry but knowing he needs to order something. About twenty minutes later his food comes and he has yet to seen anyone how looks like the Ava he knew. “Is there anything else I could get you sir?” his server asks, not showing any outward signs that she recognized him.

“Not at this moment love.” Louis says and watches her walk off. Louis finishes his fries and polishes off two beers when he finally asks his server about Ava, the liquid courage giving him a bit of an edge. “I’m looking for an old friend of mine and I was told she might work here. Her name is Ava Provoes, do you know her?” Louis asks really hoping he’ll get a good answer.

“Um...yeah. Ava works here but not today. Can I ask how you know her? I don’t want you to be a serial killer or anything.” The server laughs nervously.

“I used to be a friend of hers back when she lived in Europe. I have things I need to talk to her about, private matters, and I knew she lived here I just need to find her. I need to mend our friendship.”

“Okay, um. Her shift starts tomorrow at noon so just come in here at noon, or at five when she’s done her shift. I hope things go well for you.” The server says as she clears the table and Louis gets up to pay. He only has to get through the rest of today before he can meet up with Ava. Somehow, he’s more nervous than he thought he was. 

Louis facetimes Harry again that night needed to talk to someone who would understand his nerves and wouldn’t judge or make fun of him for it. “Hey Lou.” Harry says, his hair fanned out over his pillow obviously about to go to bed. Louis forgot all about the time difference between them.

“Sorry love, I’ll call back tomorrow if you were about to go to sleep.” Louis says knowing Harry needed his sleep or else he gets cranky the next day.

“No it’s fine Lou, I promise. I always have time for you, you know that. What’s up?”

“I got some progress today. I found out where she works so I’m going back

tomorrow to try and talk to her.” Louis pauses, “is it normal to be nervous?”

“Totally Louis, you haven’t seen her in years.” Louis sighs.

“I’m still scared that I’ll screw this up for all of us.”

“Don’t worry. If this doesn’t work out then we’ll go on and find someone else. Just be prepared for her to be mad at you and for her to say no.”  Harry reassures Louis. Louis nods. 

Louis and Harry spend the next 20 minutes just talking about random stuff until Harry’s eyes start to droop and his speech gets slower. “Go to bed love, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, hopefully with some good news.” Louis and Harry say good night before both of them close their eyes and go to bed. Louis was ready for tomorrow, he felt good, that tomorrow will go over well despite ever fiber in his being telling him that this will all end badly and that he should hop on the next flight out of here. 

Louis woke up and went through the same motions as yesterday except he stayed in his hotel room until noon before venturing out into the town. Before leaving Louis was looking through Twitter to find that someone had spotted him in the airport in London but not knowing where he was going. As long as no one spots him here he should be safe from fans. 

Louis decided to wait before going back to the restaurant, instead he went back to the lake, parked, then pulled out his phone to play some games while he waited, needing something mindless to do as to not let his mind wander too much. Whenever he’s nervous, he’s used to having one of the boys, mostly Harry, around to keep him grounded. Louis had every right to be nervous. He was friends with Ava before he left, then he let the fame of it all distance himself from her and his other friends that he had back in Sixth form. If anything, he should fully expect her to not want to talk to him at all and Louis fully understands that as a possible outcome. But that doesn't stop him from wanting all of this for end perfectly with her coming to London with him so that she can be the band’s guitar player. 

Thinking about the band made him think about Dan leaving. Just like with Zayn, Dan never showed any feelings that he wanted go leave and that is what really hurts Louis. If Louis knew something was wrong then maybe he'd be able to help out, maybe try to fix what was wrong. But just like Zayn, Dan left in the middle of the night with no explanation whatsoever. Louis shakes his head trying to get rid of the hurtful thoughts needing to be strong in order to get Ava to come back with him.

Louis decides to leave to lakeside around three in the afternoon and heads off for the restaurant. When he arrives, the server from yesterday spots him and guides him to a seat, “I've put you in Ava’s section.” she says, her hand lingering on his arm for a bit longer than necessary before handing him the menu and walking off to the front desk to great more customers. Louis looks down at the menu and decides to order something more substantial that yesterday's seeing as he didn't eat breakfast this morning. Louis was fully prepared to meet Ava today, but nothing could prepare him for what he saw when she actually walked up to him.

She was definitely the Ava he grew up with, looking as if she never aged a day over 17. Louis felt as though there were dozens of tiny butterflies in his stomach from the moment he saw her, he was nervous as shit. There were only two things that Louis found that was different from the last time that he saw Ava, one, was the fact that she is now walking with a limp and the second being that her hair is now blond instead of the brown he got used to. “Hello, I’m Ava and I’ll be your server for today. Can I start you off with a drink?” She asks setting a table coaster down on the table. Without looking up at her Louis orders a beer and a burger. The problem came when she asked for his ID, if he gave it to her then she would figure out his name and then no doubt she would draw the connection to who he was. He wasn’t ready for that yet, he wanted to be at least two beers in before he confronted her. 

Louis sighs once he realizes that there was no way around this so he reaches into his back pocket to bring out his heavily worn black wallet, opening it to pull out is driver’s licence then hands it to her. Ava makes quick work of looking the ID over before handing it back, setting it on the table before turning away to get his drink and food. Louis didn’t know how to feel about what just happened. She didn’t outwardly react so all Louis can hope is that she didn’t recognize him anymore. It has been over five years after all. A bit longer he has to wait before his food is placed in front of him, he keeps his head down every time Ava comes near him, only once does she come to refill his beer and to clear his plate away. 

By the time Louis decides to pull his head out of his ass and actually talk to Ava when she approaches next, he looks up to see none other than the server from yesterday. Louis pulls out his phone to see that it was half past five, Ava has already left, he missed his chance. “Here’s your receipt. You can pay up at the front.” She says, lingering her hand on his shoulder before walking off. Louis flips the receipt over to look at his total but the black pen marks at the top catch his attention. It reads:  _ Louis. Come to 1314 Frontier Road when you’re ready to talk. _ Louis was shocked, he wasn’t expecting this at all. 

Louis shoves the receipt into his pocket of his jacket before walking to the front, the server from yesterday still trying to flirt with him, reaching out to caress his hand when he goes to leave after paying. Louis snatches his hand away, shoves it into his pocket before walking outside back to his car. Louis knows that he should go straight over to her house but Louis pulls into the parking lot of a liquor store to grab a bottle of wine, knowing that she might want a drink or two to be able to process what he was going to talk about. So once he’s got the wine, Louis plugs the address into the GPS in the car before cranking out of the parking lot and towards her house. 

When Louis pulls up, the first thing he notices is that the house is a very modest bungalow and that there is another car in the driveway, Louis can only suspect that the other car is hers. Louis gets out onto a slightly slippery surface, grabs the bottle of wine before walking up the door. He rings the bell and waits for what felt like hours but was really only twenty seconds or so. Ava opens the door wearing a sweater and fluffy pajama pants. She looks shocked to see Louis standing there, almost like she wasn’t expecting him to actually show up. “Come in, the living room’s to the right.” Ava says as she grabs the wine before walking into what Louis could only guess was the kitchen. 

Louis sits down in a chair across from the couch and waits for Ava to come back into the room. When she does, she’s carrying two glasses of wine with her, she hands one to Louis and keeps one for herself. Louis watches as she curls up in the corner of the couch and Louis makes a quick decision to sit on the other end of the couch, one leg tucked under the other with his body turned so that he could properly face her. Louis waits for Ava to start the conversation even though he knows that he should really be the one to start. “I can’t actually believe that you are here. God, I’m so pissed at you. You know, when you left, I fully supported you all the way through X-Factor because you deserved to win. You’re a really good singer then and now. But after the X-Factor when you still hadn’t returned any of my texts and calls, I felt stupid for supporting you because you were done with me, you were out of my life, I gave you everything of me as a friend but it feels like you just threw it back at my face when you left. 

You still kept in contact with Hannah and I was able to figure out that your life was stupidly busy right after the X-Factor. But it still hurt to know that you’d keep in touch with Hannah but not with me. So I moved on, my parents die in a car crash, I move back here and I never looked back. I erased you from my memory, or at least, I thought I did. Then you show back up in my life here, in my town disrupting my life, my comfortable life where I forgot about everyone in Europe and just focused on me because that is what I believed I deserved after losing my best friend and my parents.” Ava looks directly at Louis for the first time and Louis can see her red rimmed eyes, tears streaming down her face, chest rising fast with shallow breaths “Why the hell are you here?” Ava spits out, “why are you back in my life? Don’t you think you’ve caused me enough pain already in the past five years, trust me when I say that I've been dealt a shitty life.”

Louis’ heart breaks at what Ava was telling him, he feels horrible for forgetting about her. Louis fiddles with the stem to his wine glass when he decides to give Ava answers, his heart shattered in a million pieces, too small to pick back up. “I feel like anything I’m going to say will just sound like excuses and I know you don’t deserve to hear excuses.” Louis looks up at her, in her own sorrowful eyes, “But I really need you to hear me out.” Louis takes a big breath to try and steady his own jumbled thoughts. “The whole X-Factor process was super hectic, it was show after show with practices in between, there was barely any time to sleep. There was no down time. Then once we got signed with Simon, he did such a shitty thing now that I think about it, but in the moment I really thought he was just looking out for us. He made us all get new phones and said we were not allowed to keep any of our old friends numbers because he’s seen way too many bad things happen to singers who have kept in touch with their old friends. I guess even then I knew deep down that it was such a bullshit rule because I actually kept Hannah’s number because I knew that through her, I could keep in contact with all of my old friends. We were always hanging out at her house almost all the time anyways.

In just over two years since leaving for the X-Factor, I had only been back to Donny five times. I didn’t know you moved back here until about three days ago when I decided to come find you. I can’t express to you how sorry I am to hear about your parents, but I’m even more sorry for forgetting about you. You were such a good friend to me and I ruined that. I believe that you deserve honesty right now so I will be blatantly honest with you.” Louis pauses to rub his hands down his face, “I forgot about you, everyone from Donny because I let the fame get to my head a bit. I let the constant euphoric feeling of singing in sold out stadiums get to me and I let myself drift away from the people that I loved and who loved me. And I fucking hate myself for doing that to someone like you who had been nothing short of kind, caring, loving towards me.”  Louis says with a heavy sigh, finally saying what he wanted to for a long time. 

“Why are you here?” Ava simply asks. 

“Not to sound cocky, but I’m assuming you know that I am in a boy band called One Direction.” Ava nods, “ Well, our guitarist from our backing band quit about three days ago in the middle of the night he left so we’re now scrambling to find a new or even a temporary guitarist who can play for us for when we go out our American leg of our Where We Are Tour.”

“And you want me to be that person?” Ava asks already knowing the answer. 

“Yes, when Simon asked us if we knew of anyone who would work, I instantly knew you would be perfect, that was the first time I had thought about you in years and just saying that out loud tastes sour in my mouth. Back in Sixth form you were an amazing guitarist and I came here to firstly find you, apologize then ask you to join our tour as our guitarist either temporarily until we can find someone who will do it permanently, or you could do it permanently.”

Louis watches as Ava mulls over what he said over in her brain. Louis was really hoping that she would say yes, the band would get an amazing guitarist and Louis would, hopefully, get his friend back. “You’d be taught by the rest of the backing band and Niall all of the songs from our tour, you’d get paid quite well, you’d get to meet new people, you’d hopefully become friends with me again. I know that to patch up what happened between us will take a long time, if it even gets to be patched up. And, you’d get to play to millions of people which is something I knew you really wanted to do back in Sixth form.” Louis explains before gulping down the rest of his wine, getting nervous again while he waits for her answer. 

Ava sighs, takes a swig from her glass to finish it off before standing, grabbing Louis’ empty glass and goes back to the kitchen. Ava returns a minute later with the glasses topped up again, handing Louis his before sitting back down. “I want to say yes, I really do. Even though I still am mad at you, I could never stay angry at you for long even back in Sixth form. You have no  _ idea  _ how much you hurt me and that will take a while to go away. You were such a good friend to me six years ago and I’d want nothing more than to be friends again and you’re right, my dream is to play for crowds.” Ava pauses and Louis watches as Ava thinks before she speaks again. “Okay. I want this to work out. I feel like is going to be a rash decision and I know that this is going to be such a stupid decision, I just know it. But I’ll do it. I want to be friends again, I want to help you out and maybe I’ve already forgiven you but I know that I am still fucking pissed at you. Before you get all excited, I tell you this. And please, for the love of God, do not pity me.”

Louis watches as Ava looks down at her lap as her hand runs over the top of her thigh. “I was involved in an accident just after my parents were in a car crash and I ended up losing my leg above my knee. I was riding my bike and a man in a white SUV was on his phone not paying attention. He ended up running me over. I suffered a fractured skull even though I was wearing a helmet. I also broke my right arm, but the worst thing that happened was that of all things to happen was that my shoelace got caught in the gears and while the bike was getting crumpled up by the car the chain link snapped and ended up slicing through my leg about four inches above my knee. I need you to know that the accident left me in a fragile state both physically and especially mentally. I’m still recovering, walking and standing can hurt from time to time. And with that said, I don’t know if I could stand and play guitar for the band for the whole duration of the concert.”

“I need you to know that no one on our team will give you a hard time for being an amputee. We’ll embrace it along with you, no one will pity you and if they try I’ll make sure they regret it. I’ll step up to be the best friend that I was, that you need. I’m also sure that we could get you a stool to sit on during shows for when your legs get sore.” Louis reaches forward to grab her hands in his. “I assure you that I along with the band and the backing band will be there to help you and support you through everything.” Louis tells her, watching as more tears spill down her flushed cheeks. “Oh love,” Louis reaches up to gently wipe the tears off her cheek, catching the tears that were still falling from her eyes. 

“I’ve only ever wanted to feel loved again after my parents died and I moved back. I’m seen as the freak in this town. The poor girl who lost her limb and her parents. I only wanted you and Hannah back in my life, I prayed on it, I screamed it at the top of my lungs in the hope that someone would answer my prayers. I just wanted you,” Ava whispers, finally cracking and letting out heaving sobs and Louis’ already broken heart breaks even more. The little shards that remained turning to dust.

Louis ends up pulling Ava into him, rocking them back and forth trying to calm her down but also letting her let out all of her emotions. All Louis could do was reassure her that she was Ok and that he was  _ not _ going to leave this time. “C’mon love, just let it out. I’m here now, I won’t leave. I promise.” Louis whispers over and over in her ear. Louis feels Ava’s hands curl into the hair at the back of his neck as she tries to bury her head deeper into his chest. “It’s okay love, it’s all okay”

“Please,” Ava sobs, “Please don’t leave, don’t, don’t let me go.” Her last work turning garbled as she sobs again with a fresh wave of tears. Louis knows that all of the emotion needs to be released. He could tell that she was keeping this all in for a very long time and he couldn’t help but hate himself because he knows that his actions five years ago played such a huge role in all of this.

Several minutes later and Ava was still sobbing, Louis’ shirt thoroughly soaked. Louis was starting to worry because Ava was still breathing very shallow and he could feel her whole body shaking, especially her hands that were still clutching his hair. The only thing Louis could think to do was to call his mom, he needed guidance. Still keeping one arm wrapped around her waist keeping her secure, the other reaches into his back left pocket to pull out his phone and within seconds he was on the phone with his mom knowing that the time difference meant that he was calling her around midnight her time. 

“Louis love, what’s wrong? Who’s crying?” Louis hears his mom say once she picks up the phone. 

“I’m okay I think, but Ava’s not. I can’t explain right now but I will in a few days, promise. I just need your help right now. It’s Ava, she’s been crying for about twenty minutes now. But it’s not just crying, it’s sobs, you can hear them through the phone. I’m getting scared that she hasn’t slowed down or stopped.” Louis says to his mom panicked. 

“Okay sweetie, I need you to sit behind her, your legs around hers. Tell me when you’ve done that.” Jay instructs over the phone. 

With a bit of a struggle Louis manages to reposition Ava and himself to follow his moms instructions. “Okay, now what?” Louis asks. 

“Now I need you to make sure your chest is pressed nice and tight against her back so she can feel your breathing. Make sure you’re taking nice, even deep breaths.” Louis follows his moms instructions before coaching Ava to follow his breathing. 

“C’mon love, follow my breathing.” Louis tells Ava, his mouth right next to her ear so he knew she could hear him over her wails of pain. Louis feels both of her hands grab onto his which was resting lightly over her stomach. “That’s it love, you’re doing good. Just keep breathing in nice deep breaths.”

“Is it working?” His mom asks. 

“I think so. She’s not breathing as sporadically as before.”

“That’s good, just make sure you both are taking deep breaths and she should calm down soon enough. Once she’s calm give her some water and some paracetamol because she’s bound to have a headache after this. She’ll most likely be very tired after this so put her to bed as soon as possible. I’m looking forward to your follow up call in a few days Louis.” Is the last thing Louis hears before his mother hangs up.

Louis has to keep coaching Ava to keep taking deep breaths every few seconds or else he will feel her take in more shallow breaths, no doubt getting worked up again. A good thing though is that she has stopped sobbing, only hitching breaths coming out now along with more tears. But everything was slowing down now and that was a massive relief to Louis. “You’re doing so well love, just keep calming down hun.” Louis tells her and soon enough she’s in perfect pace to his own breathing. She was no longer crying and she had stopped shaking. Louis tilts his head to see that her eyes were shut, she was sleeping. She had cried herself to sleep.

Louis shuffles forward on the couch to the edge before standing up with Ava cradled in his arms. It takes Louis a bit to find her room but once he does, he lays her down on her bed making sure she was comfortable. Louis pulls the covers up to make sure she was warm before walking towards the bathroom to rummage through her cupboard to find some paracetamol. He finds it, shakes out two pills before filling up a cup that was beside the sink full of water. Louis carries this out to her night table where he sets both the pills and the water down. Louis sees a notebook and a pen sitting on her night table so he picks it up and writes his number in it before placing it back down hoping that she sees it and will text him in the morning. Louis leans down to press a kiss to her forehead before walking out, closing the door behind him.

Louis reaches the living room and grabs his phone before making sure all of the lights are shut off then walks out to his car. Louis can’t help but feel guilty about not staying with her but he knows that he can’t cross any lines while both Ava and he are in such a fragile state relationship wise. 

When Louis gets back to his hotel, the first thing he does is jump in the shower. After that he dries off before climbing in the bed staring at his phone trying to decide if he should call Harry or not. Louis knows that Harry won’t mind Louis calling so late to vent to him but Louis really doesn’t want to be a bother. But with that said, Louis knows that Harry would want him to call and vent rather than bottle it up and Louis knows that too after too many instances where Louis would internalize everything he felt rather than tell his band mates. Louis ends up calling Harry that night, turning onto his side so the phone was pressed between the pillow and his ear. Harry stayed silent as Louis vented to him and at one point Louis himself got worked up and had to have Harry tell him to slow his breathing down. In the end, Louis falls asleep with Harry on the other end singing him to sleep.

**

Louis’ been awake for about three hours the next morning, he calls the other lads first, telling them that Mark will need to hire someone with training working with an amputee so that Ava could gain more strength. Louis will see to it that she can get all of her full motion and strength back. In doing so, he has to tell the others that she has a prosthetic leg but not telling them how. The others take it really well and Louis expected nothing less from the lads. After the call, Louis finds himself doing nothing but play on his phone when his phone goes off, an unknown number flashing across the screen. Knowing that he shouldn’t pick up numbers that he doesn’t know, but also knowing that it very well could be Ava calling him. Louis against his better judgement, something that he’s been doing more lately, picks up the phone. “Hello?” 

“Lou?” Louis hears Ava’s voice.

“Hey love,”

“Hi. I need to apologize. I can’t believe that I made such a fool of myself in front of you last night.”

“No need to apologize love, really please don’t apologize. I was only taking care of you like I should have been doing for the past five years mind you, you wouldn’t have broken down like that had I actually stayed in your life.” Louis tries to explain. 

“So you don’t think I’m a freak?” Ava asks tentatively.

“For what? I admire you for your strength. You are not a freak, you are an amazing woman for what you’ve had to endure,  _ alone _ .” 

The line goes silent, Louis waiting for Ava to say something. Finally, she speaks up. “Can you come over and help me pack?” Louis’ eye perk up at that, happy that she was still going to come back to London with him. 

“Sure thing love, I’ll be there in twenty. I’m glad that you’re giving me another shot even though I know I don’t deserve it. I’m also glad that you’re coming with me and helping the band out.” Louis expresses before they both say goodbye. Louis gets up, quickly packing all of his things back into his backpack. He grabs a water bottle from the mini fridge on his way out to the reception desk where he checks out. 

The drive over to Ava’s house in quick and painless and soon enough he’s knocking on her door this time feeling more confident, happy even. Ava opens the door and allows Louis to walk in. Before the door is shut Ava is launching herself into his arms. “Thank you for last night. I’m still sorry for sobbing on you, but thank you for finally coming back into my life.” Ava mummers into his chest. She pull back, “This sounds so dramatic, but I really feel like I finally have something to live for again. You are back in my life and we can finally be friends again. I can no longer worry if you’ll ever come back because here you are.” Ava turns around and pulls Louis along to her room. 

When Louis walks in he sees clothes all over every surface of the room like a clothing bomb went off. Louis laughs, Ava shoots him a glare. Ava directs Louis to sit on the bed beside the open suitcase. Ava starts to throw clothes at him and it was his duty to fold it all up and put it into the suitcase. They do this progress for roughly an hour until Ava deems herself to be packed. “Do you have toiletries?” Louis asks standing up, cracking his back from being bent over for too long. At that moment he really missed Liam and Harry, really wanting the kinks rubbed out of his back.

“All packed up. I know that I won’t be coming back here for quite a while so I wanted to make sure I wasn’t missing anything.” Ava replies and her and Louis drag her suitcase and couple bags to the front door. 

“Okay, I’ve already called Simon on my way here and he’s got us two flights booked back to London. If you are forgetting something we can always buy it once we get to London or on tour. It happens more than you think it does. I forgot to pack styling gel for this trip because on tour I don’t have to pack any. The tour stylists carry it all for us.” Louis explains as he loads the rental car up with her bags. “We can pick up some lunch before we leave for Toronto.” Louis and Ava climb into the car before Louis cranks out of her driveway and on his way towards the McDonalds. 

Unfortunately the girl at the window of the Drive-Thru recognized him even with A beaning on and about a week’s worth of facial hair on his face. He forgot to pack his shaver as well, but he won’t tell Ava that after she’d told him that facial hair looked good on him. Louis had to negotiate with the girl while Ava was giggling next to him. “Look love, if I sign your arm can you please not post this to social media?” Luckily the girl smiles and nods shoving her arm at Louis along with a marker. 

Ava was still giggly once they hit the freeway. “I knew you were famous but not that famous. She looked like she was going to pass out.” Ava says as she bites into her sandwich.

“That’s not as bad as it can get.” Louis replies. 

“But you’re happy right?”

“I am, especially now.”

“I feel like I’ve forgiven you too fast.”

“I think that you have, but I also think that this was for the best. It’ll be a bit  bumpy but I think that the initial connection that Hannah you and I had five years ago is still there and I think that is what is helping us along right now. I want to gain your trust back.” Louis really hopes Ava felt the same way in regards to their slowly reconstructed friendship.

“You’re doing a good job of it so far.”

“How’s touring?” Ava asks about an hour into the two hour trip.

“Touring is amazing, I get such a thrill out of hearing the fans scream our songs back to us, songs that mean so much to us the songs that we wrote.” Louis tells her with a smile on his face.

“I’m glad you like doing it.” 

“I love it. It’s been a bit harder than usual ever since Zayn left but the band is working through it. If anything, it gave me more singing time so I can’t complain.” Louis and Ava spend the next hour talking about the tour, Louis feeling everything fall into place the longer Ava and him talk, it was like they never stopped talking to each other in the first place. 

“I have to call the lads, I’ll have to do it over Bluetooth if that’s okay?” Louis asks sliding his eyes over to Ava. 

“I have no problem with that at all. Call away.” She replies. Louis pulls out his phone about to look down at it to call Harry but thinks twice about it at the last second. Now knowing that Ava’s accident was caused by a driver on his phone, Louis thinks twice about going on his phone.

“Could you do it for me? Use my finger to open my phone. Under contacts look for A banana emoji and an H beside it.” Louis asks holding his phone out for Ava to take. 

Ava presses Louis finger against the sensor to open the phone and does what Louis asks, the sounds of a phone ringing through the speakers in the car in no time. But before anyone could pick up on the other side of the call Ava rests her hand on Louis’ arm. “Thank you.” Ava says, her eyes speaking to how grateful she is. But before Louis could reply, Harry was picking up the phone. 

“Hello?” His gravelly voice rings through the car a little too loud causing Louis to jump before lowering to volume to a moderate enough level to hear Harry but not too loud to make his ears bleed. 

“Hey Haz. I’m in the car with Ava. We’re almost at the airport.” 

“That’s good. Will we get to see you tonight? What time are you coming in? Do you need picked up?” Harry asks his voice rising a bit in pitch as he gets a bit concerned. Ava just laughs quietly to herself causing Louis to smirk at her. 

“I think we’re getting in around eight your time and I’ll just get a town car to pick us up and take us to my place. We can meet at my place tomorrow morning for breakfast.” 

“But lou…” Harry wines causing Ava to laugh again but a bit louder. “Hey now. Don’t be laughing at me. I really miss you Lou.”

Louis laughs along with Ava now because Harry is being his normal needy self. Louis sobers up a bit faster once he realizes that Harry had passed the phone on to Niall. “Mate, Harry’s been in a right state since you’ve been gone. I know you’re not together and I respect your decisions for not getting together for the sake of the band, but you both have something special that none of us have. I don’t think you’ve been away from each other for this long in a while.” Niall says. 

“I know Niall. Harry’s a sensitive boy. Tell him Ava and I are sorry for laughing at him.” Louis says but before anything could be said, Harry can be heard saying, “forgiven,” obviously the phone was put on speaker.

“How are ya Ava?” Niall asks and Louis watched Ava jump at being asked a direct question. Louis just nods when she gives him a cautious look. 

“Um, Okay I guess.” Ava replies shakily.

“I think I can speak for all of us when I say thank you for agreeing to be our guitarist. And for forgiving Louis.” Liam says causing Ava to blush. 

“Louis was easy to forgive once he explained things. I could never stay mad at him for long, even five years ago. There’s just something about him you know? I’m glad I can be able to help you guys out while living out a dream of mine.” Ava replies getting more comfortable with the other lads over the phone. 

“I can’t wait to meet you love, safe flight.” Liam says in lieu of goodbye, the phone clicking off. Louis sees Ava look over to him out of the corner of his eye so he looks over. 

“Please understand how much I mean every word I’m about to say: Let’s go home.” 

Louis couldn’t keep the smile off his face at that statement. Three words that he knows means the world to Ava. He knows that Ava always liked England while she lived there and he couldn’t even begin to imagine how much going back to Canada would feel once her parents died. I don’t think her town, her house will ever feel like home to her ever again. Louis knows that he means the world to Ava because she means the world to him. Seeing her smile a genuine smile for the first time in five years after all of her pain and sorrow is just as euphoric as singing in front of seventy thousand people. Hands down. 


	2. I feel like I'm in the dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello All!   
> I'm back at it again with a new chapter.   
> This is not Beta'd  
> Please leave any feedback you might have, I would greatly appreciate it!  
> -S

Louis opens the door to his house and walks in with Ava in tow. “On the bottom floor there is a kitchen, dining area, living room and three bedrooms along with two bathrooms. You can stay in one of the guest room on the bottom floor but that is usually where the boys will stay if they drink too much while we hang out and they don’t want to drive home.” Louis explains as he gives a tour of the house to Ava. “On the upstairs is my room, two bathrooms, a games room and two more bedrooms. I’d advise that unless you want to wake up with a mouth full of fur, you shut your bedroom door at night or else Franky will wander in and will literally sleep on your face.” Louis explains, seeing his cat, he picks the fat, cuddly bastard up and gives him to Ava. 

“He’s so cute!” Ava says while cuddling up to the cat.  

“He’s bipolar I swear. One second he’ll be all cuddly then the next he doesn’t want to be touched.” Louis shakes his head while carrying Ava’s suitcases up the stairs and into the room across the hall from his. 

“I think that is just the way cats behave Lou,” Ava chuckles setting Franky on the bed to help Louis. 

“I’d suggest you go to sleep now, it’s about half nine right now and we’re meeting with the backing band, Simon and the other lads tomorrow.” Louis advises. “Don’t unpack tonight, just pull out what you need then get to bed you can unpack tomorrow and I’m sure I can rope a couple boys to help out as well.” 

“Thank you so much Lou.” Ava says coming over to hug him.

“No problem at all love, you’re doing us all a huge favor.” Louis says before leaving Ava to her own devices and shuts the door behind himself before making his way over to his room. Climbing into bed, Louis plugs his phone in after sending a text to the other lads telling them that he and Ava got in safe and that they’re welcome to come over for breakfast before leaving for the meeting. Louis rolls over and quickly falls asleep finally in his own bed again. 

Louis wakes up at eight in the morning to get breakfast started and by started he means pulling everything out for pancakes and bacon because he can’t cook to save his life. He can thank Mark their trainer for keeping him fit even with all of the take-out he eats when he isn’t eating Sara’s cooking on tour. But he knows that once the lads get here Harry will jump right into the kitchen, the younger lad always in the kitchen whenever he’s at Louis’ since Louis has the biggest kitchen out of all of the lads. Which is quite ironic since Louis doesn’t cook.

What Louis can make is a mean cuppa so he gets started on making tea for everyone who should be coming over at any moment now. Sure enough there is a buzz ringing through the kitchen letting him know that someone is wanting to get in through the gates. After a quick look through the security feed and recognizing Liam’s car, knowing the others carpooled over here, he lets them in with a push of a button. 

Knowing that the lads all have a spare key to his house, Louis isn’t surprised when his front door opens and three very rowdy boys rush in. “Morning lads,” Louis calls out from the kitchen where he’s filling a teapot with a Yorkshire tea bag and hot water. Harry is the first one to enter the kitchen and the first one to wrap Louis up in a hug. “Morning Haz.” Harry pulls away so Niall and Liam could welcome Louis back home. Sure enough, Harry pulls an apron on over his stupidly flowy shirt that Louis secretly loves on him, and got to work on the food Louis had set out on the counter. Louis brings the teapot around to the table while Liam and Niall bring cups and plates. 

Louis sits down and nurses his cup of tea while Liam and Niall sit across from him doing the same. “Where’s Ava?” Niall asks looking around like he’d find her. 

“Still sleeping probably. I’m letting her sleep as much as possible before I go up there and wake her up.” Louis explains. 

“Tell me more about her from when you guys were friends?” Niall asks. 

“Alright, um. I guess I’ll just start from the beginning then.” Louis takes a sip from his tea before continuing. “Ava, Hannah and I were the best of friends. Hannah and her become friends instantly and since I was the boyfriend I got to hang out with Ava too. Then Ava and I became really good friends too. Ava helped out with Rogue whenever she could, she even helped me figure out who I was and told me to stop lying to myself.When Hannah and I broke up, we all still stayed friends. All of us were inseparable. We were like the dream team of the school, Ava could play guitar and sing, Hannah had the most beautiful looks and personality and I was the funny one.” Louis pauses to chug back his tea, filling the cup back up with more hot liquid. 

“I broke her when I left and I didn’t even realize that. I know that management made us sign agreements saying that we would not keep in contact with anyone besides family, and I followed that rule with everyone except for Hannah. And I’ve been asking myself why I kept in contact with Hannah but not Ava. She was hurting for five whole years and I can only say that it is a good thing that I remembered her a few days ago. It sounds so shitty to say, but she really needs someone in her life that loves her. She’s had so many bad things happen to her in just a few short years and I’m not the one to tell you about what happened, that is her story to tell. But I’m glad in a way, a sick fucked up way, that Dan left the band so I could reconnect with Ava again.”

“You can’t keep beating yourself up over this. She could’ve reached out to you too.” Liam says, hating the look of guilt on Louis’ face. 

“It is all my fault though, one hundred percent my fault and I’m dealing with it, with her. She’s really helping. Speaking of miss Ava, I’ll go run upstairs and wake her up, it looks like Haz is almost done with breakfast anyways.” Louis says as Harry walks out of the kitchen with a stack of pancakes on a plate. Louis stands up and starts to walk towards the stairs to go wake up Ava. 

**

Ava slowly comes to the realization that there was a weight next to her on her left and that something was rubbing up and down her arm. She opens her eyes, blinking sleep away before rolling over to see Louis sitting on the bed. “Good morning Love. I knocked on the door a couple times but I didn’t hear anything so I came in, I hope that’s okay? It’s about eight-thirty, the other lads are downstairs and are really excited to meet you.” Louis tells her as he stands up, “I’m going to leave, but if you’re not down in ten minutes I’ll send Franky up and he’ll make sure you get up. That little shit loves to wake me up at six in the morning by sitting on my face.” Louis says going to the door to her room. 

“Okay. give me ten and I’ll be down there.” Ava replies and Louis shuts the door behind him.

Ava sits up and slides her legs over the side of the bed. She reaches down to grab her prosthetic, sliding a bit more towards the edge of the bed so that her stump was right on the edge, the foot of her other leg planted on the ground. Ava slips the grip sock over her stump and up her thigh until it was smooth and tight, the textured side on the outside for her prosthetic to grip on to. In a few seconds and a bit of jerking around, with the click of one last clasp her prosthetic is on and snug. Ava stands up and groans as a dull ache instantly starts in her right thigh, the pain is always bad in the mornings after she wakes up. She walks to the attached bathroom to freshen up, washing her face and making sure her hair was pulled up out of her face. 

Ava gets dressed quickly in a pair of sweats loose enough that the outline of her prosthetic could not be seen, and a long sleeve shirt. Ava slips on some socks onto her feet more out of habit to cover the fact that she was disabled more than because she was cold. Even though her prosthetic leg had a foot on it that was the same size and colour as her other foot, a person could easily tell that the foot was fake with the unnatural glossy shine to it. Ava knows that she told Louis about her accident and her prosthetic but she really doesn’t want him or the others to see it. Her disability is the main source of her self insecurities and she just doesn’t want anyone to pity her, she’s been pitied for four years now and she’s ready for that to be over. 

Right after Ava’s accident, she had to go to mandatory therapy before she was allowed to be released from the hospital. She had to talk to a therapist and have the therapist decide if she was mentally stable. At first Ava didn’t want to talk to the therapist, but after a week, Ava started to talk. The main thing that the therapist said, right before Ava was discharged was something that stuck in Ava’s head to this day four years later.  _ Let the people who love you in, share your insecurities with them. Remember, those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.  _ Ava knows that Louis matters so much to her and the others will soon earn a place in her heart. Maybe what the therapist said was true and maybe Ava will be able to open up to the others.

On her way out she makes sure to pop two paracetamol tablets into her hand before swallowing them dry. She closes her door behind her then makes her way down the stairs and towards the direction of the voices coming from what she thinks is the kitchen. She sees the members of One Direction sitting around the dining room table all laughing at something Niall had just said. Ava will never admit out loud to any of them that she followed them religiously for the past couple years on social media and YouTube. She loves their music, but it was really in an attempt to watch Louis to make sure he was having fun. Because even though he left her, she still wanted him to be happy. 

Ava watches Louis stand up when they make eye contact, “Lads, this is Ava our new guitarist and friend.” Louis pulls me into his side at the head of the table. The other three lads stood up, Niall being the first to pull me into a giant hug. 

“Good morning love, glad you’re here, finally.” The Irish lad says rubbing his hand up and down her back a few times before stepping back for Liam to give Ava a hug too. 

“Hi Hun, I’m Liam.” Liam says as he pulls her into a hug too. Harry steps forward, her head colliding his his hard chest as he wraps his arms around her. 

“M’Harry, thank you. You’ve made us all so happy. Especially Lou.” Harry whispers in her ear before pulling back as well. 

“You all are a cuddly bunch,” is all Ava could say causing chuckles from everyone. 

“Get used to it love, especially from Harry.” Louis says as he directs Ava to sit down. 

Everyone tucks in, piling their plates high with pancakes and bacon. “These are so good. Please tell my you didn’t make them.” Ava says looking at Louis. 

“Nah, Harry did. You know I never learned to cook.” Louis replies. 

“I remember a particular instance with seventeen year old Louis almost burning

down Hannah’s house trying to boil water.” Everyone laughs. 

“In my defense, I didn’t know that Hannah had put oil in the water so when it boiled over, it caught fire.” 

“Looks like we can finally get some juicy stories from Louis’ younger years.” Niall says trying to shove more food into his mouth. Louis glares at Ava.

“Don’t even think about it.” Louis says but the smile on his face says it all. Ava was happy. 

“How old are you?” Liam asks and Ava’s leg starts to shake up and down in a nervous tick knowing that this was now the question period that she’s been working herself up to for the past half hour. 

“I’m twenty-three, I’ll be twenty-four in March.” Ava replies.

“Louis says your an amazing guitar player, gifted even.”

“I wouldn’t say gifted, but I am pretty good. I just really like to play. I broke my

wrist a few years ago and bar chords hurt a bit but if I ice my wrist before I play I can usually do it with little pain.” Ava subconsciously starts to rub her wrist, remembering her accident. With the thoughts of her accident still in her mind she realizes that Louis probably told the other lads about it, she never told him he couldn’t and this is probably for the best anyways because she doesn’t have to repeat anything, they all know she’s an amputee yet she can’t find an ounce of pity in their eyes, only happiness and maybe, just maybe if she really look close, a bit of curiosity.

Breakfast finishes shortly after that, Ava helps Liam clear the table and surprisingly there was no leftovers. When Ava questions that Liam tells her that there will rarely be leftovers when Niall eats. Liam washes the dishes and Ava puts them away with the help from Louis telling her where they go. Once that is done Harry announces that the car is here to pick them up. Louis runs to his room saying he needed to grab a jacket while Ava walks to the boot rack to slip on her jacket and shoes. Groaning as she had to kneel down on her bad leg to tie her left show. 

Not too long after everyone had shoes and jackets on, all six of them pile into town car sent by Simon. Once seated, Ava stretches out her legs in front of her to try and get more comfortable. The only thing wrong was that her right leg didn’t kick out with her left leg like it was supposed to. Ava grabs the fabric of her sweats on her right leg and stretches out her right leg. Her prosthetic knee joint was going stiff and if it was left in a bent position for too long it could lock and it becomes a pain to try and unlock. Ava knows that she needs to get a new leg soon, she actually has her eyes on one that was pure metal and it would be a bit of an operation but totally worth it. 

The operation would be huge and the recovery time would be long and painful. A new way to attach prosthetic legs came out about two years ago with the help of modern science. Ava first read about it in a magazine while she was at her family doctor’s office. Ava knows that the surgery is expensive and the prosthetics are even more expensive, but it wouldn’t just be a purchase, it would be an investment. The one thing that made this a different procedure than others, was the fact that doctors could now apply nerve sensors around the stump and on her head so that her prosthetic would act like a normal leg would. So if Ava wanted to flex her foot on her right leg, instead of just imagining her foot moving, it actually would move. Her nerves would start to trigger her motor responses again. 

The only problem? It's expensive, stupidly so. 

Louis is the first one out of the car when they pull up to Syco building. Ava is the last to leave, Harry wrapping an arm around her when they walk over the slippery surface by the doors. Ava is amazed by the sheer size of the building both inside and out. They all have to walk through metal detectors that were situated three feet from the entrance. Ava sighs as it is her turn to walk through, already knowing she is going to set it off. Sure enough the alarm sounds, the guard walking up to her. Once he's standing in front of her asking her to spread her arms out to her side, Ava does so not even worried when the guards hand wand goes off when he sweeps it over her right leg. The guard rolls up her sweats a bit to see metal, “metal leg,” she says then the guard rolls her sweats back down then moving off to the side to allow Ava to catch up to the boys who were waiting by the elevator.

Once in the elevator, Niall pipes up. “that happen a lot?” he asks. Ava sighs leaning against the side of the elevator as it goes up to the top floor.

“Yeah, it does. But there is nothing I can do about it. That’s what I get for being part cyborg,” Ava says getting a chuckle from the others, the elevator dinging then opening up. Louis leads the way into Simon’s office and Ava looks around to see an older man standing by his window, Ava can only guess that this was Simon Cowell. Then she sees three younger boys sitting on the sofa in the room, Ava recognizing them as the other members of the backing band that she would be working with. “Ah, you must be Ava.” The older man turned and said once he saw Ava. He walks over and reaches his hand out for her to shake. 

“I am. Pleasure to meet you Mr. Cowell.” Ava replies shaking his hand. 

Simon turns back to sit at his desk with Ava and the other boys find empty chairs and surfaces to sit on. “Ava, it is really nice to meet you, and I say thank you on behalf of everyone who works with One Direction. I do not want to scare you, but we have many things to cover in such a short period of time. First, I’d like you to meet Josh, Sandy and Jon. Along with them you will be the backing band for One Direction, you’ll be working and living closely with them everyday on tour. Jon is the music director of the band so if you have any questions about anything music related you can direct them to him. They along with Niall will help you out with learning the music. We’d like for you to be able to perform the set list for our first show of the North American leg of the tour, starting with two nights at the Madison Square Garden arena in New York. You’ll be expected to memorize all songs off of the set list. We can get Niall to play on songs that you are not comfortable with at the beginning.” Simon explains. 

“I can do that. I have a really good memory.” Ava replies. 

“Perfect. You’re living with Louis at this moment correct? Okay, Niall,” Simon says turning to the blond lad, “I hate to cut your break short but you and Ava need to work on the songs as soon as possible. I’m sure Louis wouldn’t mind you staying at his house so you and Ava can have as much time as possible to learn these songs.” Niall nods looking over to Louis, Ava watching as Louis nods his head as well. 

“Now, for the tour, the backing band stays on one bus and the singers on another. There will also be hotel rooms booked for most of the tour stops, especially the ones where you are playing more than one show at the venue. You can decide if you want to stay on the bus or in a hotel room. You’ll be living quite closely with the backing band so take the time this week to get to know them as well as the singers. You’ll be working with men, I hope that is okay with you, but, if you do choose to stay in a hotel room, I can assure you that you will not be sharing it with anyone else. For your safety. I know that you and Louis were friends several years ago and that you had a falling out. I hope that won’t interfere with the band dynamic?” Simon asks. 

“It won’t at all. I’m glad Louis is back in my life and we are repairing our friendship. There’s no bad blood here.” Ava replies. 

“Perfect. I only have a few more orders of business then you all can leave.” Simon looks down at his papers, “Ava and Liam both need physicals before the tour starts again. Doctor Gordon will be here in two days to do the physicals.” Simon says as he ticks off each point on his fingers. “Ava needs to set up a schedule with Mark for a fitness routine. It’s not required for the backing band, but it is required for the singers, but the other members of the backing band have found it useful. You can also discuss with Mark a plan on trying to get your legs stronger. I was told that you have a prosthetic leg and he would be able to help with strength training, you’ll need it. Do you have any dietary restriction Sara, the tour cook, needs to be aware of?” Simon asks Ava. Ava shakes her head no. “Okay, last thing is you need to get in-ear molds done and we can do that tomorrow.” 

Ava sits there trying to process everything that was just said. “So I don’t have to, like audition or anything?” Ava asks a bit confused.

“No. I trust Louis’ judgement and we’ll get to hear you play soon enough, and we are really desperate. If this was a different situation then you would have to audition. After the first few shows, if you can’t handle it or if you are not a good match then we will let you go. But do not worry, I’m sure everything will work out just right. Now if that is all, you can all leave.” Simon dismisses everyone. Ava stands up with everyone and follows out the door to the elevator. While waiting, Jon starts talking with her. “Hi, I’m Jon. I play the keys but I’m also the Music Director. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we are so grateful you are here. It’s going to be really stressful for the first few weeks but we’ll help you out as much as possible.” Jon introduces. “I’m one of the oldest ones here besides the tour managers and bodyguards, I’m always here if you need to talk.”

“Hi. Thank you, I can already tell that you’re a really good guy. I play guitar and I really hope I’m good enough, I haven’t played for about a year. I’m really sorry to hear about Dan by the way.” Ava says, feeling calm around Jon.  

“So on paper I am your boss but you also have a million other people who are your boss as well. You’ll soon find out that everyone in the band, both the musicians and the singers, all get along and most things are decided as a collective group. Dan leaving hurt, but we’ll move past it. No point in dwelling on things that are in the past.”

“I agree.” Ava says just as the elevator doors open. She walks in, all eight of them squishing in. 

“So, lads. Sorry, lads and lass. You gonna come over to my place?” Louis asks, getting a chorus of yes from everyone in elevator.

It was time for lunch when they all piled into Louis’ living room, or that is what Niall said. Ava was starting to understand that the boy would constantly be asking for food.  _ So how the hell does he stay so skinny? _ Ava asks herself from where she is sitting in the corner of the room observing everything going on around her. She watches Louis pull out his phone to order take away, Liam and Sandy were talking with each other, Josh and Niall were trying to figure out what PlayStation game they should play. Then Ava watches Harry. He was sitting beside Louis waiting for him to get off of the phone. It was clear as day for Ava to see the heart eyes Harry was shooting at Louis when Louis wasn’t watching. This was the third time she’s watched him do it today. Once this morning at breakfast when Ava was talking about the botched food story. Once during the meeting and the third time being right now. 

Ava knows that Louis is gay. Or at least he was when she last saw him. Ava remembers when Louis was fifteen and she had just moved to Doncaster with her parents. Hannah was the first person to be friendly towards her at school and the two girls hit it off right away. Once Ava was introduced to Louis, he too became her best friend. Ava remembers when they were all sixteen when Hannah came up to her one day freaking out. 

/Flashback/

The door to Ava’s bedroom slams open and a flustered Hannah rushes into the room. “Ava, I don’t know what to do.” Hannah says out of breath as she sits down on the end of the bed. 

“What’s wrong Han?” Ava asks as she sets her phone down and scoots closer to her friend. 

“I don’t know! I don’t know what I did wrong. It was going good then it wasn’t so I ran here.” Hannah says. 

“I don’t understand love, what went wrong?” Ava asks again but Hannah was too worked up to speak. Ava reaches over and rubs her friends back until Hannah stop crying. 

Hannah takes a couple deep breaths before turning to look at Ava. “I was just at Louis’. His mom and sisters weren’t home so we were spending time alone since we rarely get to anymore. It seems like he is always busy or not interested.” Hannah pauses to rub at her eyes before continuing. “It was going good, you know, but right before we were to, um, you know.” Hannah looks up to see Ava nodding that she understood what Hannah was referencing to. “Right, well, right before we were going to start, I look up to see Louis with his eyes clenched tight. I sit up to ask what was wrong but he wouldn’t talk to me. He stood up and off the bed and that when I noticed that he wasn’t even, you know. So I got up, got dressed and ran here.”

“Oh Han. Did you talk to him?” Ava asks. 

“No, I figured he didn’t find me appealing anymore and that’s why he wouldn’t be intimate with me and why he couldn’t even get it up today. It’s all my fault, I’m too ugly for him.” Hannah sobs out, her shoulders shaking.  Ava sighs, this was not good. “You’re such a lovely girl Han and you know he loves you. You guys have been together for almost two years now. Maybe he wasn’t in the mood?” Ava asks. 

“It seems like he’s never in the mood anymore though, he goes stiff when I kiss him or touch him. He never touches me anymore.”

“When did you first notice this?”

“Three weeks ago at Stan’s birthday party.”

“There has to be an explanation for this Han, you need to talk to him.”

“I can’t right now.” 

“Okay, I can go over there and talk to him for you?” Ava suggests, getting a nod from Hannah in return. “Alright Han, I’ll go over there now alright” 

While Ava was walking the couple blocks over to Louis’ house she couldn’t help but feel angry. Yes, she was friends with both of them, but Louis had hurt Hannah and Ava was ready to rip Louis a new one. 

Ava bangs on the front door until Louis opens it, watching as Louis’ face turns to one of surprise. “Ava!” Louis yells as Ava walks in the house, backing Louis up until his back hits a wall. 

“Why the hell did Hannah come running into my house freaking out saying that she’s ugly and that you’re disgusted by her?” Ava yells.

“Ava, please. I-It’s not her fault at all!” Louis stutters out. 

“What the hell is your problem?”

“I just couldn’t get it up alright. I wasn’t in the mood, that’s it.” Louis says pushing Ava out of the way. 

“I don’t believe you. You won’t even touch her, if you don’t love her anymore then break up. Stop stringing her along!”

“Get your nose out of mine and Hannah’s business.”

“It became my business the second Hannah came running into my room.” Ava says as Louis pushes her out of the way, muttering “fuck off” and runs out of the room, up the stairs and into his bedroom. 

Ava stays seated on the floor in the hall by Louis’ door for several hours just listening to Louis cry. At first Ava was still pissed, but then she thought about it and then realized that there might’ve been a bigger issue at hand. Ava waited until she couldn’t hear any more sobs coming from Louis’ bedroom before opening the door to the room to see Louis still on the bed facing the wall with his back facing Ava. She knew he was still awake, his shoulders shaking with silent tears. Ava moves to sit on the bed behind Louis, running a hand up and down his back. “I’m so sorry Lou. I really shouldn’t have walked in here and demanded answers. Furthermore, I shouldn’t have accused you.” Ava whispers to the brown haired lad.

Ava waits patiently for Louis to roll over to face her, and when he does, her heart breaks at his red, puffy face. “I-I…” Louis chokes out, “I’m n-not gay.” Louis cries out, more tears rushing down his face and suddenly, Ava knows exactly what this was about. 

“Oh Lou, it’s going to be okay.” Ava says quietly, laying down beside Louis and pulling him over until his head was crushed into her neck. Ava holds him as he mutters “I’m not gay,” over and over like he was trying to convince himself of it. And that is exactly what he was doing. “It’s okay Lou, you can be gay and no one will judge or hate you for it.”

“I have to be straight, he said I had to be straight.”

“Who said that Louis?” Ava asks already suspecting what the answer would be.

“He said I couldn’t be a fag, I can’t be gay. I’m not gay.” Louis says more firmly.

“But you can Louis, be true to yourself.”

“NO! I’m dating Hannah, a girl. We’re happy.” Louis says as he pushes away from Ava and sits up. 

“But you’re not happy Lou. I want you to be true to yourself, don’t lie to yourself. The people who matter will never hurt or judge you for being ga-” Ava is cut off by Louis screaming in her face. 

“I’M NOT GAY!” 

Ava gets up off the bed and walks to the bedroom door. “Figure this out Louis, stop hurting Hannah and stop hurting yourself. I don’t care who told you that you can’t be who you are, but don’t believe him. But please, for the sake of everyone who care for you, even Hannah, figure this out.” Ava says as she walks out of the house, shaking her head really hoping Louis would figure this out. 

/End Flashback/

Louis finally came out a month later and everyone supported him and to his surprise, Hannah was okay with everything and supported him fully even to this day. But maybe Louis changed, she could only assume that his ‘girlfriend’ Eleanor wasn’t really his girlfriend. Unless a lot has changed in five years. Then Ava remembers what Niall had said in the car over the phone yesterday about Louis not wanting to be in a relationship with Harry for the sake of the band.  _ So is Harry gay too? _ Ava thinks. It would make sense. She knows that fans on twitter have picked up on how little they interact and that the two boys are not seen together in public ever. It makes sense. What Niall said, the heart eyes, and what Ava knows already. 

Ava gets up a couple minutes later to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. When she’s walking back to the living room the doorbell goes off. “Ava, could you grab that? It’s the food. It’s already been paid for.” Louis calls over to her. Ava walks to the door and opens it to see a man dressed in all black holding several cardboard boxes. 

“Hello miss, I’m Mr. Tomlinson’s security guard. A delivery car dropped this off at the gate.” The man says as he hands over the boxes before walking away. Ave shuts the door behind her then walks back into the living room. 

Niall is instantly grabbing a box before Ava can set them down. “Thanks love,” Niall says, kissing Ava on the cheek before going back over to Josh. Ava opens a box, grabs a slice of pizza before sitting back down on the couch. 

Everyone was on their second slice before anyone started talking again. “I say we use this time to get to know you, to ask questions, Ava. that is if you’re okay with that.” Josh says from across the room.   
“Sure, I think I’m a pretty open person so go ahead, ask away.” Ava says once she’s finished her second and final piece of pizza. 

“I want to know how long you’ve been playing guitar.” 

“I started when I was ten. I was jealous of a boy in my class who was taking

piano lessons so I asked my mom if I could take lessons. She said no, that she couldn’t afford them. I was sad, of course, but when my family was out at a garage sale, we found a beaten up guitar for five bucks. They bought it for me and I toyed around with it for a bit before one of my teachers offered to teach me as long as I did good in his class. A couple years later I got a better guitar and then the rest is history.” Ava explains then quickly downs her water. 

“How old are you?” Sandy asks. 

“I’m twenty three.” Ava replies, “sorry, I’m going to get more water. Does anyone else want something to drink.” Ava asks standing up. After getting the orders from everyone in the room she grabs the drinks from the kitchen then walks back, noticing that Jon, Sandy and Josh were all watching her intently. Ava shrugs it off as curiosity as she hands out the drinks. 

“Why do you have a limp?” Josh asks as soon as Ava sits back down. Ava is startled a bit by the bluntness of the question but still goes to answer. But before she could Louis speaks up. 

“You don’t have to answer that Ava.” 

“I know, but everyone deserves to know. It’s not like it’s a dirty secret or that I’m ashamed.” Ava replies. 

“So you all know that I am an amputee. Either from Louis telling you or from this morning. I could leave it at that, but I believe you all deserve to understand what I went through.” Ava pauses to drink from her bottle before clearing her throat. “I was involved in a bicycle accident that ended up severing my leg off above my knee.” Ava uses her hand over her pant leg to point out where she was cut. It happened four years ago and I’ve gone to therapists and prosthetic specialists. I limp for two reasons. The first being that even though the accident was a few years ago now, it still hurts to walk, so I limp in an order to make walking hurt less. 

“The second reason being that my prosthetic is getting old, so the knee joint doesn’t want to work properly and it isn’t fitting as snugly as it should. I’ve had time to come to terms with what happened. I’ve wanted to hold off telling everyone because I don’t want pity, I can do everything you can. The only thing that sucks is the phantom limb pain.” Ava gives a very brief explanation, not wanting to go into further detail like she did with Louis in fear of breaking down again. 

“What phantom limb pain?” Niall asks around a mouthful of pizza. 

“It happens to amputees. It’s when, after someone loses a limb, the brain is confused by the sudden loss of the limb and is tricked so it sends out pain signals to where the limb should be. So I feel pain in my right hip down to my stump.” Ava explains as best as she could. 

“I thought that was all a myth.” Liam says. 

“I can assure you that it is not a myth and that it is very real.” 

“You’re so strong.” Harry mutters from the left of Ava. 

“I’m no stronger than anyone else in this room.” Ava scoffs. “I lost a limb in an accident, but I’m okay with it now. I just have some limitations is all.”

“Do you have any dirt on our dear Lou here from sixth form?” Harry asks and Ava knows when someone is trying to change the subject so she gratefully takes the bait.

“Nothing more than what you already have to deal with now. He was always pulling pranks on teachers, getting suspended for one prank that went too far.” Ava looks over to see Louis sending daggers at her, most likely willing her to say no more. “He snuck out of the house a lot to go to the skate park, he also broke into the school’s auditorium the day before his performance in Grease because he wanted to practice his lines one more time before the show.” Ava continues to share little harmless stories of Louis from five years ago and by the end the whole room, including Louis, was laughing to the point of tears. 

**

“Tell me again why this needs to happen?” Ava asks as she was seated in a dining room chair with her head cocked all the way to one side as a stranger starts to fill her right ear with molding paste. Niall and Louis, who are standing in front of her are watching intently. 

“So you can hear what is being sung and played. They’re essential for when we go on tour. Everything that is said into the microphones and everything played on the instruments will be played directly into your ears through the in-ears. If you wanted to hear anything other than that you just pop the in-ears out.” Louis says. 

“Once this is done we can start on practicing. Thankfully Louis has a recording room set up in his house so we don’t have to leave to go to the studio.” Niall tells Ava. 

“How long until this is done?” Ava asks growing impatient, “my neck is starting to cramp.” 

An hour, a sore neck, and two ear molds later, she’s done and ready to go play with Niall. Louis leads them to the recording room that Louis never showed her on the impromptu house tour she got a few days ago. The room is beautiful. There’s a small recording booth set up the the far corner, there’s a keyboard, a small drum set and a couple guitars. Ava finds herself drawn towards to Gibbons acoustic guitar as she walks into the room. She grabs the guitar off the stand and sits down in a chair with the guitar balanced on her lap. “How do you afford such an expensive guitar?” Ava ask Louis as the two boys find chairs to sit on, Niall with a guitar and Louis without. 

“This job pays well.” Louis replies. “Did you bring your personal guitar?”

“Yup, it’s up in my room. But it has nothing on this beauty.” Ava runs her left hand

up the neck of the guitar before plucking at a few strings. “Got any picks?” Ava asks. Louis stands up to grab a Tupperware container full of different styles and colours of picks. 

Louis sits back down once Ava and Niall have picks and hands a piece of paper over to her. Ava sets it up on the music stand in front of her, recognizing this as the set list. “We do a total of twenty three songs, I currently play in eight of the songs, Midnight Memories, Little black dress, Little Things, Rock Me, Little Things, Alive, Little White Lies, Best Song Ever and Don’t Forget Where You Belong. There are some points during the concert where we had Dan come out with me to do some riffs with me. We singers really like to interact with our backing band as much as possible and we like to introduce the crowd to our musicians. We don’t have to do that for the first few shows if you’re worried. You just have to play a song on the guitar, usually the boys choose covers of songs. You won’t have to do any riffs or come out to the runway with me if you don’t want to.” Niall explains as he tunes his guitar up. “Are you familiar with the songs on the set-list?” Niall asks and Ava takes a careful look at the list of songs in front of her. 

“I recognize some of them but not all of them. Basically any that were played on the radio I know.” Ava replies as she takes the tuner from Niall to tune up her guitar. 

“Okay, nothing to worry about. I’ve got sheet music for the songs here and we can always play the song in the background until you get the hang of it. We can take breaks whenever you need but let's try to get at least one song down pat today.” Niall says before handing Ava sheet music for Midnight Memories. 

  
  


While Ava and Niall are in the recording room, Louis slips out to go grab some snacks along with a couple bottles of water from the kitchen. Louis is taken back a bit when he sees Harry in his living room obviously searching for something. “Hey Lou. I left my phone here yesterday and I’m just looking for it. I would’ve texted you but...you know.” Harry says once realizing Louis was in the room. 

“No problem love, do you need a hand?” Louis asks. 

“Nope, should be good. How’s the songs coming along with Niall and Ava?” Harry asks with an arm deep in between the couch cushions. 

“It’s going good. They just started but I know Ava will be fine.” Louis says and watches as Harry pulls out his phone along with several food wrappers. 

“You really need to clean your couch mate,” Harry says as he pockets his phone, walking to the front door. “See you tomorrow Lou.” Harry calls before walking out the door. Louis stands there for a second longer before grabbing a bag of crisps and three bottles of water before walking back to where Niall and Ava are. 

Louis sits there listening while Niall coaches Ava through Midnight Memories. At first it was rough, but Louis watches as Ava becomes more comfortable with playing the song. It was about half an hour later that Niall proposes a break. “You’re doing great love,” Louis says handing over a water bottle to her and Niall. 

“Thanks. It feels great to play again.” Ava replies. 

“You didn’t play in Canada?”

“I did, but there was no purpose. In sixth form I played for you and Hannah each lunch break, but I also played because I really wanted to perfect my skills so I could do something full time with a guitar. I now have a reason to play again and it feels like it never left.” Ava explains. 

 

“Not really. I do because I don’t know how to cook. We’re usually on tour for the majority of the year and we have a cook while on tour. Harry cooks his food while we are on break, but the rest of us usually eat takeaway. Usually the lads are either over at Niall’s place because he has a huge as telly, or my place if Harry has any say in it because I have the biggest kitchen and he loves to cook for us.” Louis explains. 

“How come Harry didn’t buy this house?”

“He and I lived together when we all lived in the same complex. Then when we all decided to get our own places, we all decided to find places that were all in the same area and close to the studio. Harry and I found this place at the same time and the only reason I got it and not him was because Harry was trying to get the guy to lower his asking price while I was able to pay the guy what he was asking.”

“That’s amazing. Really it is.”

“It’s funny, Harry spends more time over here in the kitchen then he does in his own house.” Louis says with a small chuckle. 

“That, and the fact that he just like to hang out here with you. You guys did live together for years.” Niall comments.

“How about restaurants?” Ava ass suddenly, “Can you guys go to restaurants?”

“It can be hard to go out to eat. We are always spotted, we rarely get left alone which makes for an unpleasant experience.” The three of them sit in silence the only source of sound being the TV playing a football match. Overall, today was a productive day for Niall and Ava, not so much for Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you see any mistakes, please let me know.  
> I hope you enjoyed the second chapter.  
> I hope to have the third one written and posted in a few days.  
> -S


	3. It's all too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again.   
> This chapter took a bit longer to grind out than the other, I'm sorry about the wait.   
> This is a crap chapter, I'm sorry in advance  
> This is not Beta'd  
> This will be the last update until the new year.   
> Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!  
> -S

“The town car will be here in about ten minutes to pick you up.” Louis explains to Ava the next morning as they both sip at their tea, both forgoing food for the hot beverage. 

“Do you think Simon will make an announcement about me being apart of the Band now?” Ava asks. 

“I think so. But it’ll probably happen after the first concert. Obviously people will  notice that Dan is missing and that you are in his place after the first performance. We just need to hope that Dan doesn’t say anything until then.” Louis replies. “Hows practice going? I’ve heard you and Niall and you sound like you’re getting the hang of it.”

“Practice is going good, really good. The calluses have started to develop again  so my fingers aren’t hurting as much anymore. Niall said that he might get the others to come over today after the doctor’s appointment so that we can practice together. ” Ava says before downing the rest of her tea. She stands up to put her cup in the sink when her legs gives out from under her, a cramp ripping through her left leg, her right leg giving out, causing her to collapse but catching herself with her left hand on the edge of the table saving herself from hitting the ground. Her tea cup fell to the ground, shattering. Louis is up in an instant, by her side to help her sit back in her chair. 

“Are you okay love?” Louis asks, crouching down beside her. 

“I’m fine, my leg just gave out. It happens sometimes, my left leg is carrying most of my body weight so it’ll cramp up sometimes. My prosthetic is also old and not working.” Ava looks at the mess on the floor, “sorry about the cup.”

“No need to apologize, it’s just a cup. Stay there and I’ll clean it up.” Louis stands up, grabs a broom before sweeping up the ceramic shards.

“Does that happen often?” Louis asks sitting back down across from Ava. 

“It’s been happening more often than not.” Ava says before deciding to pull up the leg of her sweats, showing Louis more of her prosthetic than he’s seen before. “The knee joint,” Ava points, “is overused. So usually when I walk, I just kick my leg out and the joint will lock before relaxing again to mimic the act of walking. Sometimes the joint doesn’t lock properly and I’ll collapse just like this morning. Combine that with a muscle cramp and you’ve got a recipe for one fucked up body.”

“So you need a new prosthetic?” Louis asks. 

“I do. The general rule is to replace a prosthetic, especially legs, every five to seven years.” Ava says as she rolls the pant leg back down. 

“Maybe you could discuss that with the doctor today?” Louis asks. 

“I guess. Prosthetics are just really expensive. I used up the money my parents left for me on my leg, it was 10 000 dollars and that’s on the cheap side.” Ava says and Louis was about to reply but the buzzer for the Gate goes off. Ava stands up, making sure her weight could be tolerated on sore legs then goes over to the door to get her shoes and coat on. “See you in a bit Lou.” Ava calls as she opens the door and walks out. 

Liam was already in the car when Ava climbs in. ‘Good morning.” Ava says as she takes a seat next to Liam, buckling in and relaxing into her seat.

“Good morn- What happened to your wrist?” Liam asks as he grabs her right hand and pulls it closer to his face. Ava, not knowing what he was talking about, pulls her wrist back to see a bruise starting to form. 

“I had a bit of a tumble this morning. I must’ve banged my wrist on a chair.” Ava explains. 

“You’re okay, it’s not broken is it?” 

“Nope, just a bruise. I honestly didn’t notice it until you pointed it out.” Ava replies then the two of them fall into a comfortable silence.

Ava and Liam walk into a clinic, two men in black flanking them as they walk through the empty waiting room and into a doctor’s office. There was an older man, maybe in in 40’s seated at the computer in the room. But when the door opens and Ava and Liam walk in, the man turns around with a smile on his face. He stands up and shakes hands with Liam, “Good morning Liam.” The he turns to Ava and does the same, “good morning Miss. Provoes, I’m Doctor Gordon.” The man sits back down while Liam sits up on the bed and Ava takes a seat in a chair beside the bed. The two men in black stand by the now closed door, passive expressions on their faces. “Alright, Liam you already know the drill but I’ll explain as I go for Miss Provoes’ sake. If at any time either of you feel uncomfortable just say so. Liam is comfortable with this, as I usually see all of the boys at once for convenience and for security reasons thus they all stay in the same room.”

Doctor Gordon pulls a clipboard off his desk, grabs a pen then clears his throat. “The first part is just general health questions. I have files of each boy’s questions so with Liam I am just making sure that there are no new developments or changes with his answers since the last time he was here. With you, Miss. Provoes, it’ll be a bit more intensive since I have never had you as a patient before.” Doctor Gordon explains. “Liam, ready to start?” Liam nods his head, “Alright, how much do you drink?”

“I’ll have at most four drinks a week. No more than two a night.” Liam answers easily. 

“Do you smoke, either cigarettes or other substances?”

“No.”

“Have you been sick since I last saw you?”

“Nothing more than a sore throat from straining my voice, with Zayn being gone we’ve all had to pick up more parts than normal.”

“Are you physically active?”

“Yes, six times a week.”

“When was your last STD check?”

“Six months ago.”

“Are you sexually active?” At this question Ava expects to see Liam’s facial expression change, or for him to at least blush, but he doesn’t.

“I am.”

“Okay, I’ll draw some blood before you leave for another check.” Doctor Gordon says before signing the bottom the the page, handing it over to Liam to sign before setting it down on his desk. 

Liam lays down and Ava watches as the doctor pats, pushes, tugs and prods at Liam’s body before getting Liam to sit back up. “Alright, you’re good for tour and keep up with the fitness routine Mark has planned for you. I also don’t want you to consume more than five alcoholic drinks a week, I know you have two functioning kidneys now but there is still a chance one could stop working again.” Doctor Gordon leans forward, “Now, you know the drill, If there are any changes in your health or habits get your team to call me so I can come check you out.” Doctor Gordon says before signing another piece of paper and giving it to Liam. “This is your release form from me to give to Simon. Now Liam, please switch places with Miss. Provoes.”

“Please call me Ava.” Ava says as she and Liam switch places. Ava watches as the doctor grabs a new sheet and clips it to his clipboard. 

“Alright Ava, I’ll ask you similar questions to Liam's but they’ll be more invasive. I encourage you to answer them honestly even if they make you uncomfortable. I need to know everything so I can give you the best care possible, understand?” he asks. Ava nods her head yes, mentally preparing herself for anything. 

Doctor Gordon pulls out his pen again before getting started. “Full name?”

“Avalyn Marie Provoes.” Ava responds. 

“Age?”

“Twenty three.”

“Birth date?”

“March first, nineteen-ninety-five”

“Do you already have a primary physician?”

“I do, but I only ever saw him a few times.”

“Do you or your family members have a history of any chronic illnesses or diseases?”

“Not to my knowledge.”

“Have you or do you currently smoke either cigarettes or other substances?”

“No.”

“Have you or do you currently drink alcohol?”

“I used to drink but I went sober four years ago.” Ava could feel her face warm a bit, knowing the questions were getting a bit more intrusive. Ava makes sure to keep her eyes either on the wall next to the doctor’s head or on her hands that are clasped in her lap. Not once did she glance over at Liam.

Doctor Gordon asking the next question brought Ava’s attention back to what was going on in the room. “When did you start drinking, how much did you drink at your peak and how old were you?” Doctor Gordon asks.

“I started drinking when I was seventeen at a party. I was nineteen when I would drink between five and eight drinks a day. A year later I would become sober.” Ava flinches as soon as the words were out of her mouth.  

“Would you consider yourself, at the time, an alcoholic?”

“I would now, yes. But at the time I was just trying to drown out the mental pain I was in.”

“And why did you drink so heavily?” Ava hesitates to answer so Doctor Gordon leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “I realize this could be a loaded question that you do not want to answer, but I do need to know.” 

Ava closes her eyes and breathes in and out deeply a couple times before opening her eyes again. “I went for a cousin’s wedding back in my hometown in Canada with my parents. While I was there they were in a car accident and died. Both of them. I started drinking more heavily after that happened. I was grieving.” Ava justifies.

“Thank you for being honest Ava. I will draw some blood at the end of this to make sure your liver is fully functioning. Did you go to a therapist?” 

“Yes, I stopped going a year ago. It was a mutual decision made by both my therapist and myself.” 

“Have you ever or are currently diagnosed with any mental illnesses?”

“I was diagnosed with depression when I was twenty.”

“Are you currently on any prescriptions?”

“I’m on a low dose of antidepressant, I should be fully weaned off of them in a

year. I’m on codeine for pain management as well as paracetamol which is also for pain relief.”

“When were you put on codeine and how strong?”

“I was put on codeine three years ago and I can take up to two hundred

milligrams a day depending on the pain level.”

“Why were you put on codeine?” Doctor Gordon asks and once again Ava  hesitates.

Ava takes in deeper breaths. “I was in an accident, I broke my arm, I fractured my skull and...and my leg was amputated.It was first a really deep cut, but it was eventually removed later at the hospital. I take codeine for the management of pain. I get migraines and I’ll usually take paracetamol first and if that won’t help with the pain in my head and leg then I’ll switch to codeine.” Ava explains, seeing Liam flinch from the side of her vision. 

“Okay, I’ll take a look at that in a moment. Do you happen to have you prescriptions on you so that I could write it down. I would be able to get your prescriptions refilled for you while you are on tour.” Ava watches as the doctor marks his paper before reaching into her bag to grab two bottles then handing them over to him. 

Ava sits on the bed, staring at her hands while waiting for Doctor Gordon to be done writing down the information he needs. Ava is startled when the doctor starts talking again.“Thank you, here are the bottles back.” Ava looks up and grabs the two bottles, placing them back in her bag. “Now to get back to the questions. Are you physically active?”

“I used to be, but ever since the accident I haven’t been.”

“Do you eat a healthy diet?”

“I try to, I like to cook but since living with Louis for the past few days, I’ve been eating takeaway.” Ava says before hearing a small chuckle come from Liam. 

“Of course he’d be eating takeaway for every meal.” Liam says from where he’s seated. 

“Maybe I should re-evaluate his physical, I’m pretty sure he lied to me about eating healthy.” Gordon says with a slight chuckle, shaking his head. “Have you ever been or currently are sexually active?” Ava feels her cheeks burn a bit more as Doctor Gordon asks the question. Ava knows that she should be honest here, she has been with everything but she can’t tell them the truth, it's all too embarrassing. 

“No.” Ava lies through her teeth.

“Are you being honest?”

“I am.” Ava replies, hating the way her face heats up, lying.

“Have you ever had a Pap smear?”

“No and I don’t want one.” 

“Alright, I’ll just get you to sign on the bottom of this page then we’ll get to the physical.” Doctor Gordon hands Ava the clipboard for her to sign before setting it on the desk. Ava sighs out, relieved, no more questions.

The doctor checks her lungs, heart, temperature, head and neck. He makes sure the bruise on her wrist was nothing major, then he gets Ava to lay down so he could check her abdomen, then asks her if she could reach down to roll up her right pant leg. Ava reaches down and tugs her pant leg up to the top of her thigh before laying back down. The doctor inspects her prosthetic, “how old is this?” he asks. 

“About five years, it’s getting old. It’s not working properly anymore.” Ava replies. 

“I can see that, if it were a below the knee prosthetic then you could get a few more years out of this. But since it is above the knee, the knee joint looks to be getting old. Could you take it off so I can inspect your stump?” Doctor Gordon asks and Ava tenses. She looks over to Liam, on one hand she wants to just suck it up and get it over with but on the other hand she doesn’t want Liam to see this. No one other than her primary care doctor back in Port Hope has seen her stump, ever.

Sure, Ava isn’t ashamed of her leg, or lack thereof, but the scarring is hideous and the deep abrasions made by the prosthetic are not the nicest looking. Her skin isn’t smooth, more lumpy especially around the end of her stump. “I can leave if you want.” Liam offers, noticing that Ava was getting uncomfortable. 

“No need,” Ava says making up her mind. “I just have personal hang ups over what my stump looks like is all. But I’m working on it and this’ll help.” Ava says as she sits back up and starts working the metal leg off of the grip sock. She sets her leg down beside her on the bed then rolls the grip sock off of her stump leaving it bare. Ava sits and watches as Doctor Gordon rolls over in his chair and starts to feel around her stump. 

“Do you have feeling and sensation?” He asks. 

“I do, everywhere, and it is really sensitive near the end.” Ava explains.

Once the doctor is done with her leg she slips her grip sock back on before wiggling back into her prosthetic. “Alright, at this moment you are getting the go ahead from me to on tour but on the condition you get a new prosthetic as soon as possible.” Doctor Gordon says, signing a piece of paper before handing it to Ava. “Talk to Simon, get him to pay for it. I would also like to discuss the possibility of getting a metal implant permanently inserted.”

“I’ve looked into it, but the cost always made me not get it.” Ava explains. 

“Talk to Simon, you’re a perfect candidate for the procedure and you would greatly benefit from it. You might not be able to get it before the tour though, so I’d suggest getting a new one just like the one you have now then after the tour is done, getting to procedure done.” Doctor Gordon explains. 

Liam clears his throat, “what is this procedure?” he asks. Doctor Gordon turns around to face Liam, but quickly looks behind himself, 

“Do you mind me telling him?” He asks. 

“Go right ahead,” Ava replies watching the doctor turn around again. 

“Right now, Ava needs to wear a grip sock and slip her prosthetic on. The metal implant is a rod of metal that would go in the bone of her femur with about an inch of it protruding from her stump for the new prosthetic to snap on to. It allows for different styles to be worn. And because Ava still has feeling in her stump, we’d be able to attach nerve sensors that would activate the prosthetic by the brain much like a working leg. You and I can move out legs and feet without thinking about it, the brain just sends triggers to the limb. Ava here has to do extra effort to get her right leg to move. With these sensors in place, she would be able to move her right leg again much like you or I would. Now, Ava would be immobile for a few weeks after the operation so that is why I am suggesting waiting until the end of the tour.” Doctor Gordon looks back to Ava. “You’ll consider it?”

“I’ve already considered it for about a year now.” Ava replies. 

“Alright, see Simon soon to discuss getting a new prosthetic, also talk with your trainer about getting a physiotherapist for you.” Doctor Gordon says as he and Ava both stand up to shake hands. Ava follows Liam out of the building, not minding the extra support coming from his arm around her waist and back into the town car. 

Once settled, the both of them decide to go to Simon’s office to drop their paperwork off. “I’m sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how hard it must be.” Liam says referring to her parents. 

“It’s hard, and the pain never goes away. I’ve just learned to become numb to it.” Ava replies while looking out the window. 

“I’m also sorry if I made you uncomfortable in there.”

“You didn’t. The doctor told me that if I ever got uncomfortable I could request people to leave. But it’s okay.” Ava says honestly, looking over to Liam for the first time since getting in the car. 

“Is it hard to have a prosthetic?”

“It is. I definitely have limitations and I experience pain that normal bodied people don’t feel. But in a way it has made me more grateful for everything. That’s why I was so quick to accept Louis back into my life, I believe that everything happens for a reason.” Ava explains. 

The rest of the car ride is silent then Ava and Liam are walking into the office building. Just like yesterday, the metal sensor went off, Ava pulls her pant leg up to show her metal leg, then she is let in the building. The ride up to the top floor is silent, then they’re walking into Simon’s office to see the older man on the phone. Simon motions for them to walk in and take a seat while he wraps up his phone call. “Good morning Liam, Ava.” Simon greets. 

“Morning Boss, we have our clean bills of health for you,” Liam says handing over his signed paper, Ava doing the same. Ava watches as Simon glances over the paperwork, stopping at something on Ava’s paper. 

“I’ll work on getting you a new prosthetic before the next show. Is there anything specific that you would like for the prosthetic?” Simon asks looking up at Ava.

“Just that it is metal, they tend to last longer than the other kinds.” Ava replies. 

“Alright, I’ll be in contact with your family doctor in Port Hope to get any measurements I might need.” 

“Thank you, I will pay you back.”

“No need to Ava. You need it to be able to tour, so Syco records will look after the cost. Now Liam you can leave but Ava, Mark the boy’s personal trainer is here so you can meet with him.” Simon directs. 

Liam and Ava leave, Liam going towards the elevator but Ava walking down the hall until the end then she enters a room much like Simons. A bulkier but younger man is seated at the desk. “Ava? Please come in,” the man, whom Ava guesses is Mark says. Ava walks into the room and sits down across from Mark. “Good morning, I’m Mark, the personal trainer for the band for tour.”

“Hello,” Ava replies. 

“So, I work with the boys four times a week but I expect them to do two days of training without my guidance. Is that something you’d be interested in?” Mark asks.

“Yes, but maybe something that is less intense than that. I haven’t been active for a couple years.”

“Ah, yes. I was told that you are an amputee. I can definitely work with that. How about we do three days of training and two days a week of physiotherapy. I noticed you limping pretty bad and that is something that a physiotherapist can help with.”

“I think that would work. I’m also having muscle cramps in my left leg, I was also told that you could help with strengthen my legs. But if it becomes too much, can we lower it to two days of training?” Ava asks. 

“We can do that, I can get started on penciling you in to my schedule. It looks like your first session will be next Thursday, the day of the first show.” Mark says. 

“Sounds great, thank you. You seem like you’d be a hard ass in the gym.” Ava says standing up. 

“No need to thank me for doing my job and yes, I’m going to push you hard in the gym. But it is for your own personal benefit.” Mark says as Ava turns to leave the room. Ava was exhausted and it was only the morning. Life is about to get ten times  more hectic than Ava was ever thinking. 

**

“I can’t do anymore, stop torturing me!” Ava groans when Niall tells her to go again at the current song they were working through. They’ve been at the same song for two hours now and all she wanted was a break.

“Trust me, just run through it again. Just once more then we can take a break before the others get here.” Niall says and Ava gives in to his stupidly charming face, she swears it’s the blue eyes. Ava runs through  _ Alive _ with Niall, only fumbling through a couple spots and three minutes later, she’s done and setting her guitar down. 

“I feel like my fingers are going to fall off.” Ava complains as Niall and her walk out of the recording room and into Louis’ kitchen.   
“Don’t be so dramatic, gosh you’re just like Louis, your callouses will start forming again.” Niall says as they sit down, both taking a bottle of water to sip on. 

Ava was tired, she had gone to the doctor today, talked to Mark, and was now practicing the songs for the tour. It was all too mentally draining. Add on to that the fact that the others from the backing band were coming over today so that all four of them could run through the songs that Ava was comfortable with. “How was the doctors?” Niall asks. “Gordon’s nice isn’t he?”

“He’s alright, he did make me feel comfortable. I didn’t like the invasive questions though.” Ava replies. 

“You’ll get used to it, trust me. We see the man more times a year than I see me own mother.” Niall and Ava laugh. 

“I’m getting a new leg before the tour so I should be good to stand and play. I know Louis was talking about getting me a stool so I could rest against it if I need to, but new prosthetics are always padded enough to cause very little pain.” Ava informs the Irish lad. 

“I’m sure no one would mind you resting your leg Ava. I’ve had to sit down some times because of my knee so I know that everyone would be accommodating.” 

“I know, but there is something inside of me that want me to just suck it up, you know?”

“I do, but you don’t have to is all I’m saying.” Niall says reaching across the table to grab onto Ava’s hand. Call Ava crazy, but she could swear she felt a spark not unlike static when Niall grabbed her hand. 

Ava and Niall walk into the living room a few minutes later to see Josh, Jon and Sandy walk in. “Good afternoon lads,” Niall greets them, giving them all a hug and pat on the back. Ava stands back and waves at them. They shrug off their coats and just leave them in a pile on on of the armchairs in the living room. Niall leads them out of the living room and into the recording room. Ava takes her seat and pulls the guitar into her lap. She watches as Sandy sits across from her, pulling a bass into his lap, Josh sits himself behind the drum kit to her left and Jon gets behind the keyboard to her right. Niall set up a chair beside Ava. 

“Why didn’t we meet at the recording studio at the Syco building?” Ava asks.

“We all prefer Louis’ set up. It’s a bit of a squeeze but we all agree that the sound is ten times better in here.” Jon replies from behind the keys.

Ava plucks at the strings while she waits for Sandy to tune his guitar and for Jon to turn the keyboard on. “How many songs have you got down?” Josh asks Ava. 

“Um, I know I’ve got two down for sure. I can muddle my way through another one.” Ava explains. 

“That’s pretty good for only being at it for a bit more than a day. You and Niall must be at it quite a bit.” If what Josh had just said was taken out of context, Ava would be beet red right now. “We can run through the two songs you do know then go on from there.” Ava nods. 

“Alright, we can start with Midnight Memories?” Ava asks uncertain. 

“Alright,” Jon says, “Niall, do you have just vocals of the songs for us to play to?” 

“Yup,” Niall stands up and goes over to the recording booth to plug his phone in. “Just tell me when you’re ready.” Niall says. Ava takes a breath before nodding to the others in the room.

After every time the four of them practice, Ava gets a bit more comfortable playing with them. The first few run throughs, Ava is really tense and Jon could tell, advising Ava to relax and soon enough the music was flowing through Ava just like old times. It was a feeling that Ava hadn’t experienced in years. “Sounds good, you’re really good.” Sandy says after our fifth time running through Midnight Memories and Little Black Dress. “You’ll be so ready in a week.” 

“Thank you,” Ava says, blushing a bit. 

“Think it’s time for a break or else miss priss over there will start to complain that her fingers are going to fall off again,” Niall says before he is running down the hall from Ava. 

Ava, Niall and the others sit around the living room snacking on chips and pop while watching the X Factor UK on the TV. “Who ya rooting for Ava?” Josh asks. 

“I haven’t actually watched this before. I didn’t get the programming for the UK version so I just watched the American version.” Ava explains. 

“That’s right, you lived in Canada.” Josh says and Ava nods. “We’ve been there a few times while touring but never for a vacation. We only hit up the big cities when we tour, Vancouver and Toronto mostly.”

“I grew up a couple hours from Toronto. The weather is worse there than it is here. I’ve always said that Canada never got Mother Nature, rather, we got her bipolar sister. It once started snowing at the end of September and it didn’t properly melt until the end of May.”

“That’s brutal.” Josh says as the other grimace.

“But it truly depends on where you live in the country, every province is a little different.”

“Same with England.”

“Why’d you move to Donny in the first place?” Sandy asks. Ava shift around on the couch for a couple seconds, trying to get comfortable but not achieving it as the ache from her legs were still present before answering Sandy’s question.

“It’s a bit of a story, but I assure you that everything is true.” Ava says watching as the others in the room lean back into their cushions. “It all started when I was seven years old. My grandparents gave my parents and I a trip to Disney world. My mother, father and I were in Disney world for two weeks meaning that I missed two weeks of school. 

“When I came back to school I was thrown back in and given a chapter test that the other students were working on as well. I aced it without even being taught the material, I just knew how to do the math, it seemed so easy. And that was the first sign that I was not normal. My parents thought it was a fluke, but It kept happening, that I was aceing all of my tests so I was finally tested by the school and by a doctor who specialized in kids with ‘exceptionalities,’ I was given test after test and I felt like I was some mutant, some guinea pig. I was at that point bumped up from grade three into grade five. And that same pattern kept going where I would excel so much and get bored with the material that they would just keep bumping me up a grade. 

“I was offered a full scholarship to Cambridge when I was fourteen years old. My parents waited until I was fifteen before we moved to a house in Doncaster. I was going to start at Cambridge the following semester. But something went stupidly wrong with the paperwork between my old school in Port Hope and the University. To save you all from all of the boring legal crap, they basically refused to let me into the University until I was at least seventeen. My parents didn’t want to have wasted so much money to get us to Doncaster so we stayed and I started back up at the High school in Doncaster and that is when I met Louis and Hannah. The rest is history.” The story Ava was telling the others finally came to an end and the whole time, Ava was staring at her hands that were in her lap. 

Ava looks up when the silence from the others stretched on for too long. All the boys in the room are just staring at her with their mouths open and wide eyes. “You’ll swallow flies if you keep your mouth open like that,” Ava says snapping them out of it. 

“So you’re telling me, us, that not only are you gifted on the guitar, but you’re also some genius?” Jon asks.

“Um, yeah, I guess.” Ava says with a slight blush. “It was found out that I had a near perfect memory, which helps with music, and that my brain just triggers a different way than most peoples’.” 

“Are you like Einstein smart?” Niall asks with a huge smile on his face. 

“I can’t actually answer that.”

“How come?” Sandy asks. 

“To protect me because at the time I was a minor, when I got administered several IQ tests and the results came in, my parents decided not to tell me the results. They also made sure that I was not put on any shows or documentaries, it is apparent to me that I am smarter than the average Joe, and most kids who are exceptionally smart are subjected to countless interviews and doctors visits. My parents wanted to protect me from all of that and wanted me to live a normal life as much as possible.”

It was all silent again until Niall spoke up, “and your parents’ took the results with them to the grave.” Ava nods her head. 

“Couldn’t you get in contact with someone who might have the information. They have to release it to you now that you’re an adult.” Josh says. 

“I know that, I just don’t want to know the results. I don’t want to start structuring my life around some number that dictates how smart I am. I want to live a life that I love and I haven’t been for a very long time. But everything is starting to come together again and I can see myself loving my life much more now that I am doing what I love with the people who I can one day come to love and hope they will do the same.” Ava wipes away a stray tear from the corner of her eye. “Sorry for getting all emotional,” she says as she wipes away more tears.

About an hour later Ava gets a text from Louis saying that he and the lads would be back in a couple minutes with food. Ava relays this information to the others. Ava watches as Niall pops up, rushing into the kitchen then rushing back out with beers clutched in his hands. “Don’t think Louis will mind us drinking his beer do ya?” Niall asks before setting the beers down on the coffee table, cracking one open and handing it to Ava. 

“No thank you Niall, I don’t drink.” Ava declines politely but Niall still looks like someone just killed a baby in front of him. 

“What do you mean ‘I don’t drink’?” Niall asks scandalized. 

“I’m on some medication that I can’t mix with alcohol.”

“Oh, okay.” Niall says looking genuinely upset. “You’re missing out.” Ava flinches at that. If he only knew that she was used to drinking her problems down just four years ago.

Harry is the first one to bust in through the front door, carrying three brown bags in his arms. Jon jumps up to help Harry out, grabbing a bag then returning back to the living room to set it on the coffee table in front of Ava. The other two lads come trailing in behind Harry, each carrying a brown bag. Louis settles down beside Ava, wrapping an arm around her waist to pull her in to his side. “How’s it going love?” Louis asks. “You’ve been crying.”

“It’s going, I’m really tired. I just had a really honest conversation with the others while you guys were gone, I’m okay though.” Ava responds, cuddling deeper into Louis’ side. “If the days to come are this productive then I think I might die.”

“You’ve always loved the theatrics.”

“Not as much as you.” Ava ribs back at Louis, getting a nod in reply. 

Food is dished out to everyone in the room, more beers are distributed to the newcomers, Ava sticking to her bottle of water, and light conversations were happening between everyone in the room. “How’d the doctor’s visit go?” Harry asks towards Liam. 

“Everything went well quick and painless, in and out with a clean bill of health.” Liam responds around mouthfuls of lo mien. 

“How about you?” Louis asks quietly to Ava who is still cuddled into his side. 

“It was more invasive than I thought it would be, but I realize that he had to get a baseline for everything since he’ll become my primary care doctor from now on. I’m getting a new leg here soon which is good and just in time for the tour.” Ava says and the thought of her leg causes her to be suddenly reminded of the now more persistent ache in her leg. “I can’t wait to get it, even with all the drugs I take in a day to manage the pain it still hurts sometimes.”

“Why not take the prosthetic off? We’re just lounging.” Louis suggests and Ava goes to protest but couldn’t think of anything to protest with. Back at her old house, when she came back from a shift at the diner she would curl up on the couch in front of the TV and take off her prosthetic. She only found herself wearing it more often now because of the others who were constantly around her. 

Louis takes her container of food while Ava shifts her weight until she is sitting on the edge of the couch. At first she tries to dislodge her leg from over the sweats she was wearing, but a few failed attempts she gives up and reaches up her pant leg to remove the prosthetic and grip sock.Ava sets the leg down on the ground and tucks in a little bit under the couch so it was out of the way so no one trips on it. Ava shifts back to her original spot against Louis, tucks the pant leg under her thigh then grab her food back from Louis. “Did you eat any of it?” Ava asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Not at all, it is untouched by my foul hands.” Louis responds. 

“Good, make sure it stays that way.” Ava says digging back into her food completely missing the looks the others in the room were making at her.

Ava shifts her attention to the TV to see some generic sitcom playing too low for her to hear anything so she shifts back to the conversation that was going on with the others. “-all I’m saying is that we should still be training on our break. You know Mark will kill us once the tour starts back up.” Liam says.

“But it’s our break, a break from everything and that includes training.” Niall says around a mouth full of food.

“Then be prepared for an ass whooping in a week.” Liam says dismissively.

“You know I have a home gym here Niall, you could use it.” Louis speaks up. 

“I know you have one here, which is still surprising since you do bugger all during regular training sessions with Mark in the first place.” Niall comments. 

“I play tons of footie around the car parks while everyone is setting up the arena. I was also just gifted with this amazing body from the gods and I don’t feel like fucking up the perfection that was created.” Louis says and in response Ava snorts.

“If I can remember correctly, when you were seventeen, you felt the need to hit the gym everyday after school so you could get rid of the small tummy you had because you felt like it was keeping all the boys away.” Ava says as she leans forward to place her empty container on the coffee table. “Did it eventually go away? Did all your hard work pay off?” When Louis didn’t respond Ava reaches over and goes to lift up Louis’ shirt. 

“No it didn’t. It’s quite endearing actually. We all call it the Tommo Tummy.” Harry replies after Louis had batted Ava’s hands away.

“Now that’s just too damn cute.” Ava says as she cuddles back into Louis. 

“Did you set up a training schedule with Mark today?” Liam asks Ava once everyone was finished with their food. Ava nods as she downs the rest of her water. She wipes the stray drops from her lips before replying. 

“I did. At the moment it is three days a week of training and two days a week of physiotherapy. If it gets to be too much then we’ll drop it to two days a week of training. The fear being that I would be in too much pain and the doctor doesn’t want to up my dose of codeine that I take for pain management.”

“When do you start?” Josh asks. 

“My first day is next Thursday and it will be half training and half physio just so I can get a feel of how it will be during the tour.” Ava says as Louis pushes her off of him as he stands up.

Ava watches as he starts to clean up all the dishes before walking into the kitchen. Seeing this as the perfect opportunity to get Louis alone, Ava hastily puts her leg back on before going after Louis. He was standing by the sink, arms deep in soapy water washing dishes. Ava walks up and grabs a dish towel to dry the dishes. “Can I ask you something personal?” Ava asks tentatively. 

“Sure love, go ahead.” Louis replies. 

“Okay then, um. I know that before you left you were um, your preference was boys. I also know that you now have a girlfriend. I guess I want to know, if it’s not appropriate you can just tell me to shut up. But I want to know if you’re not gay? You know it’s okay to be gay right? We had this talk several years ago when you were still denying everything. Niall said something the other day and Harry is always looking like the sun shines out of your ass-” Ava rambles but a wet yet warm hand on her arm stops her. 

“You ramble when your nervous love, always have.” Louis chuckles before getting back to the dishes. 

Louis sighs, “but to answer you, I am still gay, that hasn’t changed and Eleanor is my fake girlfriend that was set up by management. Back in X Factor Harry and I had a fling, a puppy love type of thing. The producers found out along with Simon and they made us cut off whatever it was that we had. Simon told us that it was for the betterment of the band that we did not get together; Harry and I agreed. Everything got really busy after the X Factor and Both Harry and I never talked about it again. I love him like I love the others in the band and I do understand that Harry still has feelings for me, but we can’t get together. If we broke up and it ended badly then the band would suffer. We both decided along with Liam and Niall that the band comes first in every decision and now more than ever with the leaving of Zayn and everything.” Louis explains. 

Ava dries the dishes in silence for a few minutes as she process what Louis had just said. The more she thought about it, the angrier she found herself getting. “Are you blind?” Louis shakes his head, “how about stupid?” Again, Louis shakes his head. “I’ve only been here for a few days and I can already see that there is something between you and Harry. You may not be together officially but you sure as hell are acting like a couple, minus the PDA.” Ava says. 

“I don’t follow. Harry and I are on opposite sides of the age spectrum in the band, it’s natural for me to look out for him.” Louis replies confused. 

“So looking out for him is cuddling him every chance you get or that he is almost always sitting next to you. When you sat down next to me tonight Harry looked right upset because that meant he couldn’t sit next to you.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say Ava. Management has made it that Harry and can’t interact out in public and heavily restrict how much we interact on stage. The only time I get to interact with him is when we’re away from the public and management. I, I care for Harry and I always have, but I need to focus on the band and not on a love than won’t work out.” Louis says dismissively. 

“Harry cares for you too Lou, it’s written all over his face.” Ava sighs, “I just want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy and I know that Harry can make you happy.” Ava nearly whispers. 

“It would never work out, rules are too strict and the band doesn’t need more drama that it already has.” Louis says as he drains the sink now void of dirty dishes. 

“It could happen if you wanted it to happen,” Ava says as Louis turns to walk out of the kitchen leaving Ava to finish off the last of the dishes. 

Ava knew that she really had no business sticking her nose into Louis’ personal life but she couldn’t help it. She helped Louis figure out who he was several years ago and she was not going to watch all her work crumble just because Louis was acting like a pansy.

**

The following morning, finds Ava in the recording room playing random tunes and pickings on the strings as she stews about in her anger. She woke up ready to get the day started but it seems like God or some other higher power is out to get her. The first thing that fucked up her mood was the fact that her phone decided to quit on her. Ava knew it was an old phone but she thought it had some juice in it. Nope, it’s garbage now. The next thing is that she woke up to a mouthful of fur. Somehow Franky got into her room and the result being that Ava woke up with the fat cat on her face nearly suffocating her. But the third thing, the crowning jewel that fucked up her morning was that her prosthetic decided to finally break. The foot attachment snapped off when Ava stood up in the morning sending her sprawling onto the ground but not before catching the side of her head on the nightstand. 

So now Ava is in the recording room pissed off and trying to calm down before Niall wakes up to practice. 

“Good morning!” the Irish boy yells out as he walks into the room. Ava just looks up, nods in acknowledgement before going back to the guitar. Noticing Ava’s sour mood, Niall sits down without saying a word. Ava jumps into practicing needing something to take her mind off of everything. Her and Niall run through the few songs she already knows before going into new songs. 

It’s a good couple hours where Ava and Niall just practice. Ava forgets about her bad mood and Niall doesn’t comment on her lack of prosthetic. They both make some good headway, enough so that Niall says that Ava should be fully ready in a week for their first performance. It was only after the third run through of Little Things does Niall call it quits. Niall puts his guitar down while Ava keeps hers just to pluck at the strings. “Something is bothering you today,” Niall says. Ava doesn’t respond and just keeps playing with the strings of the guitar. “Do you want to talk about it?” Again, silence. “I noticed you don’t have your prosthetic today.” 

Ava huffs, setting her guitar down. Without looking at Niall she reaches down to the ground beside her chair to grab the crutches she placed there. Making sure her arms were properly in the straps, she hoists herself up and hops out of the room. Trying to get used to the crutches was a bit of a struggle at first since Ava hasn’t had to use them for a few years now. But the more she uses them the easier it was to get used to the shift in her balance.

Ava goes back to her room and flops down onto her bed, a small plume of cat hair puffing into the air before settling back down,  _ stupid cat. _ Everything had been going so well lately, everything seemed perfect even. This morning’s events created a huge block in Ava’s head setting her back mentally to square one again. It was almost like everything in the past week never happened and Ava was back to her old self back in Port Hope. And for the first time in a long time she finds herself missing her parents. She feels as though everything is happening too fast, too many things, serious life events have happened in a week’s time and she feels as though she is not prepared for it all, especially when it all decides to come crumbling down.

Ava had done a good job of trying to move past their deaths, she only remembered them when she wanted to, which wasn’t often. Her therapist and her worked hard on trying to strengthen Ava’s mind again and to help her create coping strategies for when things don’t go right. But all of those coping strategies have seemed to escape her in the one time she needs them. 

Ava could feel herself spiraling, her breathing coming out shallow and her eyes going blurring with the flood of un-shed tears. And it was in that moment that she realizes why her mood has been so shifty today. Today is the anniversary of her parents death. Five years. At first Ava couldn’t place why she was so sensitive, she knows she shouldn’t be freaking out about her phone dying on her. But all of her emotions are heightened now, even her subconscious knew that today was a hard day for her. 

Ava couldn’t hear the door to her bedroom open over the sound of her blood rushing in her ears. But she did feel strong comforting arms wrap around her and being pulled back into someone’s chest. Ava feels herself being rocked back and forth as a hand runs up and down her back, soothing. Slowly Ava slowed her breathing and the blood rushing in her ears slow down. “That’s it love, just calm your breathing.” Ava hears Louis say. 

“Lou?” Ava chokes out as a fresh wave of tears come rushing in. 

“Hey now love, it’s all going to be okay. Just slow your breathing and you’ll be okay.” Louis says still rocking Ava side to side. 

“They’re gone Louis Gone! I-I... gone...” Ava cries out into Louis’ neck.

It took awhile for Ava to calm back down but once she does, Louis moves so he is resting against the headboard of the bed with Ava in his lap. Ava watches Louis reach to the night table where a glass of water was, handing it to her. Ava takes small sips while not meeting Louis’ gaze. Louis waits until Ava is done the water before setting the glass back down. “I’m here for you,” Louis says still running a hand up and down Ava’s back. “It’s going to be all okay, hey now. Don’t work yourself up again.” Louis chides softly as Ava’s breathing started to come out choppy again. 

Louis and Ava end up sitting in the bed for close to an hour. Louis waiting patiently and Ava trying to regain control of her body. “What’s going on?” Louis asks. 

“This morning has been really shit.” Is all Ava says. 

“Niall told me that you weren’t your usual self.”

“I don’t really want to talk about it. A few things happened this morning that

weren’t supposed to happen and it just put me in a bad mood.” Ava says hoping that Louis would just accept the answer and leave.

“This more than just a bad mood. You were about to have a panic attack love, Niall is scared that he’s done something wrong.” 

Ava is silent for quite some time, wishing that all the events that happened this morning would have never happened. “Niall did nothing wrong.” Ava finally says. 

“Does this have something to do with the broken prosthetic on your floor that I almost tripped on? Or maybe it has something to do with what you just said about missing someone?” Louis asks. Ava looks over to the bedroom door to see that in fact, her broken prosthetic was on the ground in front of the door. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Ava says again with more force behind her voice. 

“Okay Ava, I’ll leave it alone. Just know you can talk to me or anyone in the band. I know for a fact we’d all be willing to listen.” Louis says as he helps Ava off of his lap to stand up. “Liam and Harry will be over in an hour, if you want to come hang out you can. I’ll tell them not to comment on anything, but I will suggest you talk to Niall.” Louis leaves Ava to herself again.

Ava knows that it is trivial to be so upset over such small things and she knows that she should really talk to Louis, let him in, but she doesn’t want to. Ava also knows that she should go downstairs to hang out with the others but she doesn’t want to. Call her stubborn, it’s her best character trait. So Ava settles with going back to the recording room knowing that she could at least try to be productive.

Niall is thankfully gone when Ava gets back to the recording room, she can faintly hear him talking to Louis down in the kitchen before she shuts the door. Twenty minutes blows by quickly for Ava as she runs through the four songs she knows how to play. Ava knows that she only has a week to learn over twenty songs and the pressure is on. Ava pulls out music for a new song and quickly get to teaching herself it, trying to figure out the melody was harder said than done since she didn’t have the original track to follow like the other times. And she couldn’t look it up on her phone because that thing is dead. Instead of getting worked up again, Ava just concentrates on the music. 

Ava grinds out two more songs in the span on three hours. Her fingers were absolutely killing her, her left wrist was incredibly sore yet she felt the best she has been all day. She didn’t want to stop, actually going as far to grab sheet music for Live While We’re Young, but she stops at the pang on pain in her abdomen. That’s when she realizes that she hasn’t eaten today and that her stomach was not happy. Deciding that she might as well get up and grab some food, Ava sets the guitar down and get her crutches ready to walk, more like hop, out to the kitchen. 

Ava could hear the others in the living room, yelling coming from the room. A particularly loud yell from Louis, “C’mon, take the fucking shot!” reaching Ava’s ears, a little smile forming on her lips. Ava ends up grabbing a bag of potato chips from the cupboard and a bottle of orange juice from the fridge, shoving the bottle into the waistband of her jeans. Ava turns around to leave the kitchen when her left crutch loses its grip on the tile and slips out from under her causing Ava to fall over landing hard onto her knee, her hands going out in front of her to stop her from falling flat onto the ground. Ava takes deep breaths in order to calm down as she takes a mental check of her extremities to make sure she wasn’t injured aside from the bruise forming on her kneecap. 

She guesses her fall must have caused some noise since four boys came barreling into the kitchen. Ava is instantly flanked by Liam and Niall, both of them reaching under her arms to help her up onto her unsteady left leg while Harry bends down to grab her crutches. Ava secures her arms in the strap of the crutches before she lets her weight lean onto the metal poles. “What happened?” Louis asks from in front of her hunched over form. 

“I have no clue. I was grabbing food one minute then the next I’m on the ground.” Ava says as she looks all over the ground of the kitchen trying to find what she might’ve slipped on. There’s something shiny on the floor by her left foot, water. “Who spills water on the ground and doesn’t clean it up? Seriously.” Ava says as she goes over to the counter to grab some paper towel to clean up the water. She tears off a square before setting it on top of the spill and using the end of her crutch to clean up the water. “Could’ve seriously hurt someone.” Ava chastises as she throws the paper towel out and makes her way out into the living room. 

Plopping down on the couch, setting the crutches down, Ava pulls the orange juice from her waist band and cracks it open to take a sip. But before she could a weight plops down beside her. Ava looks around the room to see the other four guys sit down, Niall beside her. “You are very independent.” Liam comments. 

“I like to think that I am a very strong independent woman.” Ava says with an almost straight face before cracking up. “Sorry. I’ve heard so many girls say that they don’t need a man because they’re an independent woman and once you said I was independent I just had to take the piss out of it.” Ava explains. It took a couple seconds before the others were laughing too. 

“I’ve heard that before too! I think one of my sister’s were saying it to my mum when I face timed them last week.” Louis says.

“I’ve definitely heard that too.” Liam agrees. 

“But in all honesty, I used to live alone for a few years before Louis dragged be here. I was always ahead in life from others who were my age and with the death of my parents when I was eighteen, I grew up faster and got thrown into adulthood faster than I thought possible.” Ava says shifting her weight so that her stump and her good leg were resting over Niall’s lap. 

“I did not drag you here. I would’ve, but we all know you came willingly.” Louis says defensively. 

“Sure big guy.” Ava says getting a chuckle from the others.

“I’m bored,” Niall whines about an hour later. They’ve all been watching the football match on the TV and the program just finished. 

“Wanna go grab my guitar for me? I have an idea.” Ava asks Niall who agrees. He comes back with the gibbons guitar in hand, waiting for Ava to sit up comfortably before handing it over. “So, I know a few songs now and I was thinking that I could play the ones I know and you guys could sing.” Ava suggests. 

“That sounds like a good idea, I’m down.” Liam says getting nods of approval from everyone in the room. 

“Alright then, I guess we could start with Little Things?” Ava asks to make sure everyone was on the same page before starting to strum the now memorized melody. 

After Little Things they run through Story Of My Life then You and I, Right Now then finally Through the Dark. “You guys sound really good, like  _ really _ good.” Ava comments. 

“You’re really good too.” Niall says back, Liam going into the kitchen to grab everyone a bottle of water. 

“It’s only a week before the first tour date.” 

“You’ll do great,” Niall assures. 

“I’m scared shitless.” Ava says taking a swig from the bottle. 

“We all know you’ll do an amazing job.” Louis butts in.

“I think I’ll get all the songs down in time I just don’t know how I feel about performing in front of thousands of people. I realize that you guys are going to be at the forefront of the show, you’re who everyone is paying to see and not my pathetic ass. But I  _ know _ that people are going to notice me and if I fuck up a song,  _ everyone  _ will know.” Ava explains. 

Ava gets pulled into Niall’s side, his hand resting on her waist. “It’s perfectly fine to be nervous and insecure. But I know that everything will go off with a hitch and once the first show is done it’ll become a drug. Trust me, performing is a drug more serious than heroin.” Niall says. 

“It’s such a rush and you’ll get addicted to it just like the rest of us junkies are.” Louis reiterates.”You’ll be fine once the first performance is done.” Ava decides not to comment on anything, just tucking her leg under her stump and leaning more into Niall’s side as she slowly feels herself getting lulled to sleep with the soft vibrations coming from his chest as he continues to talk to the others in the room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you see any mistakes, please let me know.  
> I hope you enjoyed the third chapter even though it was not my best work.  
> This was a boring filler chapter, but I'm still trying to build character profiles.   
> Things should get more interesting in a couple chapters.  
> There might be something weird going on with the end notes of my first two chapters. or at least it is a problem on my end.   
> Enjoy the Holidays!  
> -S


	4. I never lied and I never faked it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello All!  
> *Slides into AO3 and posts a chapter like it hasn't been four months.  
> So sorry for the wait.  
> This chapter does deal with talk about substance abuse, if that triggers you please let me know and I can give you a summary of the chapter.  
> Your mental health is more important than my story.  
> This is not Beta'd  
> Please leave any feedback you might have, I would greatly appreciate it!  
> -S

“I have come to the realization that Management likes to get us up as early as possible just to torture us. There is absolutely no reason for us to be on a flight that is supposed to leave at four in the morning. I don’t think I could ever get used to this.” Ava grumbles to anyone who would listen which happens to be Harry and Liam. Currently everyone was on their way to the airport at two thirty in the morning and just like Ava, no one is happy about it. 

“Well, get used to it,” Harry mumbles half asleep, deep purple bags under his eyes, “If it’s not early flights, it’s training at five in the morning or it’ll be a meeting or soundcheck. We rarely sleep in and it’s even worse for the backing band.”

“You’ll learn to function on very little sleep.” Liam butts in as the trio meet up with the others in the private airport lounge. Liam goes and flops down in a chair beside Josh while Harry goes to squish into the same seat as Louis. Ava goes and sits down by herself, not too far away from everyone but far enough to have some quiet time to herself, fully prepared to fall back to sleep even if it’s in a hard airport seat.

The past few days have been super stressful on her both emotionally and physically. It feels like all she has been doing is either crying in Louis’ arms or practicing for hours on end. She had one round of physiotherapy down and it was not a nice session by any means. By the time of her first session with Mark, she still didn’t have a new prosthetic leg meaning that her and Mark couldn’t get a training routine planned and that caused her to have an extended session with her new and, in her own opinion, very judgmental physiotherapist. Ava was pushed too far that day, even when she told the woman looking after her therapy, Ava got told to just suck it up and that the physiotherapist would tell her when Ava was done. The woman couldn’t have been any older than thirty with a very tight bun at the back of her head. Probably the cause of her shitty attitude. She was incredibly rude to Ava, even going as far to insinuate that Ava didn’t deserve the physiotherapists aid in strengthening her legs because Ava was just another “stupid young thing.”

Never has Ava had a physiotherapist a rude and inconsiderate as the one she had to work with. Most that Ava have worked with in the past are sympathetic, and they always listened to Ava when she told them that she was starting to feel true pain instead of slight un-comfort. She’s pretty sure that she knows when her body is in pain better than someone else.

Unfortunately, Ava was in pain for the rest of the day and the next. And unsurprisingly, the physical pain in turn put Ava into a less than nice mood. Ava was snapping at everyone who tried to interact with her, even at the sweet Niall who was only trying to help her get comfortable in the music room. Needless to say that everyone kept their distance from her for a couple days while Ava stayed holed up in the music room, playing the guitar until her fingers bled. Okay, not bled, but they definitely started to hurt something fierce. It only took two days for Ava to get all of the songs down pat, all twenty three songs. It was also decided that Niall would play in eight songs and that if at any time during the first few shows, if she starts to feel uncomfortable, Niall would jump in to help out.

Then a day before they were all set to leave for America, Ava finally came out of the music room in a much better mood. Her leg had finally stopped hurting, she had all the songs trapped away in her memory, and she had taken all of her frustration out on the instruments. Too bad she couldn’t have smashed a couple guitars while she was at it to get rid of her pent up anger and frustration. It was just Louis in the living room. “Where is everyone?” Ava asks, flopping down next to Louis.

“Do you know what time it is?” Louis asks in return. Ava shakes her head no, a bit confused. “It’s one in the morning. Everyone is at their own houses, even Niall. He assumed that if you were holed up in the music room for two whole days, you didn’t need his help anymore with the songs. We all came to the conclusion that if you were actively trying to push us away, it was for a good reason and we just needed to let you do what you needed to do.” Louis grabs for my hands, resting our clasped hands in his  _ lap.  _ “You scared me, hell, you scared all of us. When you came back from training with Mark you just pushed us all away, you wouldn’t eat, you wouldn’t talk to me.” Louis sighs, “This isn’t me trying to be a hard ass on you. You need to realize that all of us in the band have been together for years and we know how to deal with conflict and what to do when one of us are not in a good mood. We haven’t known you for long, we don’t know how to react around you when your not having a good day. I know that if Liam is having a bad day, we leave him alone for a couple hours and if his mood doesn’t change by then, we sit down and talk it out. If it has anything to do with the other band mates, we hash it out right then and there.”

“I didn’t mean to shut everyone out Lou. You’re right, I didn’t have a good day and I took my emotions out on all of you. It’s just… It’s frustrating to try and live a normal life when there is nothing normal about me. The years after my accident I kept trying to convince myself that I could live a very normal life even with everyone staring at me when I was out in public.” Ava sighs, exhausted, running her hands through her hair. “But I can’t be normal, Louis, and no one will treat me normally.”

Louis sits patiently as Ava tries to gather her thoughts. “I agreed to be your guitarist, but now I’m starting to regret it. Maybe this lifestyle isn’t for me.” 

“What’s happened to make you think this?” Louis asks a little shocked. 

“I’m missing a leg Louis, and everyone will judge me because of it. Hell, people always judge me because of it. I’m not invalid and people need to stop treating me as such! I don’t need to be babied and I don’t need the people who I thought cared about me to walk on eggshells around me!” Ava yells as she gets worked up. 

“Hey, hey, hey. Just breathe and tell me why you think people treat you  like you’re invalid?” Louis suggests. 

Ava takes a couple seconds to calm down. “I couldn’t do any training with Mark a couple days ago because I didn’t have my new prosthetic yet. So instead, I had to do physiotherapy with someone new. She made me feel like shit, like I didn’t deserve to live because I took my life for granted. I got told that I wasn’t worth her time and expertise because I was just another stupid person. She ended up hurting me and even though I told her, she wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want to tell Mark because I can deal with everything, I don’t need someone to come in and save me.

After that, I spiraled. God Lou, I can’t do this job, I can’t the person you want me to be. I’m used to being judged and defined all my life, but the fact that millions of people will be judging me. I just can’t do it. This is all getting to be too much, the pressure of it all. I just, I can’t do it.” 

“Hey now, just take a few deep breaths.” Louis soothes. “This has happened more than a couple times now where I’ve had to help you while you’re panicking. And I know that this is not the first time you’ve felt this way-”

“I’m just fucked up Louis,” Ava cuts Louis off, “I come from a very messed up  childhood and that carried it’s way all throughout my teenage years. I’ve dragged you and the boys into it and that’s not right.” Ava could feel herself getting defensive. You name one day since we’ve reconnected where I haven’t cried in your arms or freaked out at anyone or anything. Realize that I am a mess and that I can’t do this.”

“Listen, I know you can do this job. I wouldn’t have asked you to do it if I didn’t think you could handle it. But with that being said, us boys have a therapist that we use whenever things are getting to be too much or if we can’t lean on each other for support. Maybe you could come with me and check him out?” Louis offers. 

“I’ve already spent years talking with a therapist after the accident.” Ava defends.

“I understand that, I’m just offering you a different outlet when you start to feel like everything becomes too much. I couldn’t be the friend you needed when I left so now let me make it up to you.” Louis squeezes Ava’s hands before standing up, obviously tabling this conversation for another time. 

Ava watches from where she’s seated, watching Louis leave into the kitchen before returning with a rather large box in his hands. “It’s for you, Simon dropped it off yesterday but I decided to give it to you once you were human again.” Louis says with a smirk getting elbowed in the side from a smiling Ava. Ava tears into the box, already having an idea of what could be in the box. But before she could open it fully, Louis was holding something else out in front of her. Ava reaches for it and turns it over in her hand. “I can’t take this Louis,” Ava says.

“Sure you can, I saw your old one laying on the floor in your room, busted. I need some way to contact you.” Louis says in regards to the new phone resting in Ava’s hands. “I’ve already programmed everyone's numbers in there for you.”

“Thank you Louis,” Ava says as she pushes the phone into her pocket before wrapping her arms around Louis’ shoulders, Louis wrapping his arms around her waist.

“You’re welcome.” Louis breaks away, “now open the other box. 

Sure enough, once the box is opened Ava pulls out a brand new metal leg. From just one look Ava could tell that it is a very expensive prosthetic. “Beautiful,” Ava whispers as she silently inspect the leg in her hands. Without missing a beat, Ava gets to work shifting the new prosthetic into place around her stump and all Ava could feel was comfort.

Ava knew that Simon didn’t have to spend so much money on a prosthetic that she’ll no longer need, hopefully, at the end of the tour. But the kind gesture did not go unnoticed by her, she knew that Simon was trying to make her feel welcomed and cared for. That night, Louis and Ava stayed up a bit longer cuddled up on the couch watching late night TV before they both went to bed.

That was a day ago and Ava is still trying to get it in her head that she deserves to be here and that she  _ is _ wanted and she will do good in her first concert. Which is why she’s in the airport with the others right now waiting for their flight to be called. Ava didn’t have to wait too long because it was only a few minutes after Ava had sat down that their flight was called for priority boarding, everyone stood up and made their way towards the gate. All singers, musicians, tour managers and roadies were soon seated. Ava finds herself seated at the window with Niall beside her and Josh on the aisle seat. Ava rests her head against the window, looking out to the still dark tarmac. She half listens to the air hostesses as they give the pre flight emergency spiel. 

Once up in the air, Ava pulls her headphones out of her bag and connects them to her phone, pulling up a playlist of all of the songs she would be playing in front of thousands of people. God, tomorrow was the big starting day, but today was going to be used as a way to get used to the venue and to do several soundchecks, mostly for the benefit of Ava so she could get used to playing on stage. Today would also be a day full of meetings for everyone to go over what the next few months would look like travelling wise, knowing when hotel rooms were available, when they had a couple days in one place and when they’d need to stay in the venue or on the tour bus. It would be a hectic day once the plane landed in New York. Ava’s new life, new fresh start with new and old friends was just getting started. 

**

Ava, along with everyone else was given some time to get unpacked and settled once they reached their hotel that they’d be staying at for the next few shows. Everyone was paired up except for Ava, she was given her own room and that was perfectly okay with her. Ava told Paul, the tour manager, that she comfortable sharing a hotel room with one of the band members since she would already be sharing a tour bus with three other guys. But Paul had just told her that all the other guys were paired up in rooms and that there would be one person in a room by themselves anyways. Ava wasn’t going to complain about getting a room to herself. A whole room to herself without tripping over another person’s stuff or smelling the not so delicate odors from a man. Her own room also allowed her the privacy she needed so she could decompress. Ava’s life has just done a complete one-eighty and everyone in the band and on the team knows that she’ll need some time before and after the first show to wrap her head around everything. 

Ava knew that they would be staying at the first place for three nights so she unpacked her two suitcases along with her carry on full of her toiletries. It was currently six in the morning in New York due to time changes and seven hours of travel but Ava’s internal clock was running at nine in the morning because that was the time in London right now. The good thing though was that the first meeting wouldn’t be until seven so Ava had an hour to kill.

Ava quickly decided on unhooking her prosthetic so she could get comfortable on the bed so she could watch some TV. With her back resting on the headboard and her legs out in front of her, Ava sits comfortably while she watches an american sitcom. Her peace was unfortunately disturbed a short while later when someone starts knocking on her door. “It’s unlocked!” Ava yells not wanting to get up to open the door. 

The door opens and Niall comes in, “You should really keep your door locked,” he chastises as he sits on the end of the bed. 

“I got told we have the whole floor to ourselves so I wasn’t worried.” Ava shrugs. “Not to be rude, but why are you here?” Ava asks as Niall get comfortable beside her at the head of the bed. 

“I wanted to hang out with you and have a little chat.”

“Uh oh,” Ava says with a little smile, “am I in trouble?”

“Nothing bad Ava, just wanted to talk about how you’ve been doing so far?”

“Where’s this all coming from?” Ava asks. 

“You and Louis are close and I totally understand why, you and him were friends back before I knew him so of course those ties run deep. But I just want you to know that you can also come to me, or Harry, or Liam or anyone in the backing band if you ever want to talk.” Niall says as he looks over to Ava. 

Ava nods, “Okay. well, you’re right, I do confide in Louis more than anyone else and that  _ is _ because I know him better. But, he has been telling me that I should trust you guys and talk with you more.” Ava grabs the TV remote and turns the volume down. “Everything seemed to be going really well there for a couple days but then things kinda hit the fan. It wasn’t right for me to shut you out especially since you were bending over backwards to help me learn the music.” Ava tilts her head up and rests it against the headboard. If Louis could trust these boys then so could she.  

“I had a really easy childhood up until about age seven. I lost all my friends once I got moved into a class for gifted kids. My parents didn’t have a lot of money and we relied mostly on my uncle for financial help. Moving away was like a new start, no one knew who I was and I could be in charge of what people thought of me. I had a really shitty hand of cards dealt to me and I feel like I am still trying to work through all this shit. I lost my parents then right after I had my accident and as you can imagine, I spiraled into severe depression. I had no friends or family to lean on for support. God, I sound like a sob story here.” Ava chuckles, “I had to be strong for myself and life was slowly getting better by the time Louis got back in touch with me.”

“I finally felt like my life was turning for the better, I had Louis back, I met you guys and I’m going to be doing something that I love to do, even if it does terrify me. You should know that the day I shut you all out was the day that I had a bad experience with someone who ended up hurting me.” Ava turns to look at Niall, “Louis told me that you guys have known each other for so long that you all know what to do if someone is having a bad day. I’ve lived on my own for a few years now with no one in my life, so when I had a bad day I just locked myself in my room and stewed in anger until it went away.” Ava sighs trying to stay in the moment and not think on her life a year ago. 

“You know, before I auditioned for X- factor, I was bullied all the time back home. I was the weird blond kid who wouldn’t shut up in class. I would get in trouble from teachers for singing Irish folk songs in class and for writing with my left hand. You’d think that shit be outlawed by now you know? The whole ‘you must only write with your right hand’ bullshit. I would get beat up every single day during lunch by this group of boys who were more developed than me. They had the muscle and the deep voice while I was just this pale twig of a boy who couldn’t gain muscle no matter how hard I tried. I would come home every day with a new bruise on my body and my da would tell me that I needed to toughen up and be a real man because it was apart of growing up while my mom just looked the other way. I would always make my way up to my room and just sit in the corner and cry, forgoing dinner and homework.”

“It was right before my audition when I came home with a couple cracked ribs and a huge bruise on my jaw. My brother was home for a couple weeks and when he saw me, he took me up to my room and told me that after my audition, I would no longer need to fear school and that I would never have to know the feeling of a boot colliding with my ribs again. He made me realize that I shouldn’t keep my feelings to myself. I then realized that I shouldn’t have let my parents shrug off what was happening to me and that I should’ve told someone about what was going on and about what I was feeling.” Niall shifts so that he can look at me dead on. 

“What I’m trying to get at here, is that you may feel like every time you talk about your misgivings that you are complaining. If you talked to any one of us here on tour, Louis, Harry, Liam, Josh, you name it, you’ll find that we’ve all at one time or another have had a bad experience that has changed who we are. And we’ve grown from it just like you have. I am comfortable talking about the abuse I faced at school because I trust these people in the hotel right now and I know that they won’t think that I am complaining but rather that I have something that I need to get off my chest. We don’t know you as well as we know each other so hearing about your past helps us know who you are.” Niall says staring right into Ava eyes. “You’ll learn very quickly that we are a family here while on tour rather than a band full of singers and musicians.”

“I...I don’t know what to say Niall.” Ava says, completely speechless. 

“You don’t have to say anything Ava, just know that you can talk to me any time you want. I enjoy hearing about who you were before I met you. You’re stronger than most because of what you’ve had to deal with growing up. And I know that you have not shared everything, but with what I do know, I can say that you are so strong.” Niall says before getting off the bed. 

As Niall is heading for the door Ava reaches out her hand, “Niall?” She asks. Niall walks over to her and Ava grabs his hand and pulls him down before wrapping her arms around him. “Thank you,” Ava whispers as Niall hugs her back. Niall leans back, squeezing Ava’s hand before leaving the room. “Why am I so emotional?” Ava asks aloud in the empty room after Niall leaves. 

Half an hour passes and Ava finds herself in a chair flanked by John and Sandy sitting around a conference table in the boardroom of the hotel with the other band members and the touring management team. It seems like the band will sit on one side while the backing band sits on the other with everything looking at Paul who was currently speaking. “We’re here for three days including today with two shows in the following days. You will be staying in this hotel for the duration of these days. Then venue is a twenty minute drive from here and after today's meetings, two cars will be here to drive you over to the stadium for soundcheck.” Paul says as he reads off of his stack of papers in front of him. 

“I have itineraries for all of you and for the love of God, please follow them to a tee.” Paul sighs out as he hands out pieces of paper for everyone around the table. “This piece of paper covers the next month on the road starting with today. Harry, we had to move your training times for this month and Niall, we had to move your physiotherapy as well. We have a new bass for you Sandy and a new kick drum for Josh,” Paul says and there are collective groans from Niall and Harry along with cheers from Josh and Sandy. 

“We have two tour buses for this leg of the tour and one van. Lads,” Paul says looking over to the singers, “you will have your usual bus, and you lot, “Paul says looking over to the backing band, “you have a new bus since the other one finally crapped out on us. Now, that being said, this new buss only has three bunks instead of four so one of you will have to sleep on the sofa.” Paul says. Ava looks around to see grimaces on her fellow backing band members faces at the thought of sleeping on a couch.

“I’ll do it,” Ava pipes up without thinking. 

“No way,” John says matter of factly, “you're an amputee.”

“And?” Ava asks as she fixes John with a stare. “I’m not breakable or weak, I _can_ sleep on a sofa and I will.”

“No one will have to sleep on a sofa. We have a spare bunk that is full of video games right now that we can clear out and Ava can use it.” Liam suggests, already sensing some tension growing in the room. “Well, it’s all Lou’s stuff so  _ he’d _ have to clean it out for Ava.” Liam grunts as Louis digs his elbow into Liam’s side. 

“Twat,” Louis mutters.

“Yeah! And it’s a bunk on ground level so you wouldn’t have any trouble.” Harry says supporting what Liam said. 

I look over to Paul, “is that a possibility?” I ask. Paul Sighs, raking a hand through his hair. 

“I discourage any member of the backing band staying on the same tour bus as the singers just because of the drastically different schedules you have.” Niall reaches over and grabs my sheet of paper and compares it to his own. 

“They’re not that different Paul, at lease Ava and I have physio together in the morning and we all have breakfast together anyways.” Niall says giving the paper back to me. 

“Alright then, I see no issue with Ava staying on the singer's bus.” Paul 

concludes as he writes down something on a piece of paper as Louis lets out a quiet “whoop.” “Just no inappropriate behavior from anyone, you’ll have a lady on the bus with you. And Harry, please wear clothes around her.” He fixes a level stare at Harry, Liam, Louis and Niall. 

“I don’t like clothes! What’s so wrong with that?” Harry asks throwing his hands up in the air.

“Don’t worry Paul, I’ve seen a couple naked butts before in my life.” Ava assures while everyone in the room snickers as Paul shakes his head,

“What have I gotten myself into.” Paul clears his throat, “Now, there are no training sessions today but there will be choreography today. But other than that, everyone can leave for their next meeting while Ava, you can stay here.” Paul says. 

Ava watches as everyone files out of the room leaving her, a woman she’s never seen before and Paul. “Alright, we have not made a public statement yet about Dan leaving nor about you getting signed on. We are going to see how the first two shows go here at Madison Square Garden. We are going to monitor social media very closely and by the time you have played your third show of the tour in Massachusetts, the fan base will have realized that you are here to stay. By then we will have a statement ready to be released to media outlets. You will have to do a few solo interviews following the PR released statement. We’re looking at three at most. I encourage you to stay off of social media until you have been publicly introduced.” The lady sitting next to Paul announces. 

“Okay,” Ava says nodding her head. 

“Someone from PR other than myself will be in touch with you in the next coming days to talk about the preparation for the statement.”

“Do you think it will go over nicely?” Ava asks genuinely. 

“I do. Unfortunately there will be some people who will hate you, there are always people like that, but I do believe that the general public will accept you fully with no problem.”The lady, who Ava still doesn’t know the name of, informs and after sharing what she had to say, stands up then leaves the room, her heels clicking against the flooring. “I believe that you have about a half hour before you need to go over to the stadium to meet with Lou. I do hope that you are not as wild as the others.” Paul says before leaving with Ava in tow. 

**

It was easy for Ava to get along with Lou especially because a little girl by the name of Lux was in the same room as them. Ava found herself instantly drawn to Lux and bonded with Lou over the little girl. Ava sets the little girl down on the couch before walking over to Lou who is standing by a rack of clothes. “I’m in charge of styling the boys. I usually let the backing bad do what they want and wear what they want but I’m not letting you get away from me. I finally have a girl I can play dress up with.” Lou says with an excited squeal. 

Ava just stands there as she watches Lou riffle through the rack of clothes pulling out an article of clothing before putting it back just to grab another. Lou finally settles on black jeans and a black ripped band t-shirt before handing them over to Ava. “I figured that dresses and shorts are out of the question because of your situation,” Lou motions to Ava’s right leg, “but we can still have fun with jeans.” Ava walks behind a partition to quickly change into the clothes she was handed. After struggling to get her ass into the jeans, she walks out to Lou. “Turn for me?” Lou asks and Ava spins around where she is standing. “How’s the fit?”

“They’re a little tight around my hips.” Ava says pulling up her shirt a bit so Lou could see what she was talking about. 

Louis starts tugging and pulling at the jeans before deciding, “we could go a size up but risk the pants getting too baggy. I like how they fit to the thighs but are loose at the bottom. Hmm...turn around again?” Lou asks and Ava does as she’s asked but then jumps as hands settle on her hips to make her stop with her back facing Lou. Ava feels some pokes and prods before, “Ahh, you’re just like Louis,” Ava gets spun around again to face Lou, “you’ve got too big of an arse for your jeans. I’ll just have to go up a size and make you wear a belt.” Lou says as she writes down stuff on her notepad. Ava doesn’t get a chance to say anything before Lou is coming at her with a measuring tape. Lou was a whirlwind of clothes, charm and sweet smelling perfume.  

After all the measurements are taken, Lou starts asking Ava questions. “What will you not wear?”

“I can’t wear heels with my prosthetic and I would like to stick with pants that go down to my ankles. As far as tops go, I will wear shirts but nothing revealing and it must have sleeves.” Ava says all the while Lou is writing it down. 

“Alright, I can work with that. It will be hard to find some clothes that will fit snugly and be not too revealing because of your girls,” Lou motions to Ava’s rather large chest, “ But, I will make it work, trust me!” Lou finishes writing some stuff down on her page before setting it down. “I can’t wait to work with your face and your hair! You are such a beautiful girl.” Lou gushes and Ava finds herself blushing. It has been a long time since anyone has called her beautiful. “I hate to cut this short but it was a pleasure meet you and I can’t wait to work with you. Your sheet should tell you when you are needed to be at the stadium tomorrow night so I can work my magic on you. I believe now you need to go over to the venue to do a sound check, yes?” Lou asks.

“Yup, thank you for letting me hang out with Lux for a bit, she’s so cute.” Ava replies with a small wave to the little girl who was half asleep on the couch.

“No worries, just beware of Harry. He will fight you for Lux’s attention.” Lou warns with a laugh. 

“Thanks for the heads up.” Ava says before she leaves. 

Ava collapses in her seat once she gets into the SUV along with John, Sandy and Josh. “How are you doing?” Sandy asks.

“I feel drained of all energy and it’s only noon.” Ava complains.

“You'll get used to it.” Sandy rummages around for a second before producing a bottle, “here, drink this.” Ava grabs it and reads the label. After deeming the small bottle of energy drink safe, she downs in quickly, needing a pick me up. 

“You all keep saying that,” Ava grumbles once she’s finished drinking. 

“Maybe you should start believing us.” Sandy says with a smirk. Ava just kicks her leg out, kicking him in the shin. “Hey!” Sandy shouts. 

“Enough children,” John says earning a snort of laughter from Josh.

“She started it,” Sandy grumbles quietly to himself but Ava heard him causing her to laugh quietly to herself. Sandy is older than her but he acts like an actual child. Hell, everyone besides John acts like a child Ava noticed.

“Follow us,” Josh says as we all climb out of the SUV. Ava looks to her right to see Louis and the others climbing out of the other SUV. Ava hangs back and waits for Louis before walking beside him and into the venue. “How’s today been going?” Louis asks. 

“So far so good I think. I am definitely feeling tired though.” Ava replies. 

“Well, get used to it. I drink red bull and coffee like crazy while on tour.” Ava groans,

“I swear, if I hear one more person tell me to get used to it I’ll punch them.” Ava grumbles and upon hearing it, Louis laughs. 

“I’d pay to see that any day.”

“Don’t tempt me to try it out on you.” Ava glares as Louis. Louis just laughs and wraps an arm around me as we follow the others to the stage. 

Ava broke away from Louis to follow the others in the backing band while Louis followed behind Liam. “So, here are your instruments lads, and your in-ears.” Ava hears a man speaking as she meets up with the group. A man in all black is handing out guitars and drumsticks and is about to hand Ava the electric guitar before taking a good look at her. “Where is Dan?” the guy asks.

“I’m Ava, the new guitarist.” Ava introduces herself as she stretches out her hand for the man in black to shake. He grips her hand and gives it a firm shake before letting go. 

“I’m Brad, a stagehand for the musicians.” Brad hands the guitar over to Ava before also handing out in-ear packs. “Get strapped in then make your way to your spots and tune up.” Brad directs, about to turn away before stopping, “oh! And josh, we had to raise your platform by two feet, so just watch your step. And stop losing your sticks!” 

Ava watches closely to how Sandy straps on his pack before doing the same, lacing the wires up the back of her shirt before looking the actual in-ears around her ears but not pushing them into place just yet. “I’m assuming you’ve never worn these correct?” Jon asks as he comes up in front of Ava. 

“That’s correct, feels kinda weird if I’m honest.” Ava replies as she fiddles with the plastic of the in-ears. 

“I bet. It’ll feel and sound weird for a bit but you’ll adjust to it very quick.” Jon assures. “I suggest you keep both of them in place for the duration of the time you are playing just because it might get a bit disorientating otherwise.”

“Thanks.” Ava says before slinging the bright red electric guitar over her shoulder 

and adjusts it to the correct height and position before following the others out to the stage.  

Ava walks to her spot on the right of the stage, looking down to see the pedal board. “You ever used one before?” Ava hears Niall asks as he walks up the ramp to get to her. Ava nods, 

“Yeah I have, a couple times back in grade school. This feels so surreal you know?” Ava asks. 

“I totally understand that. Hey, nice touch on the in-ears by the way.” Niall says 

and Ava looks at him confused. “Look, mine have the Irish flag on them, Niall says as he turns to the side so that Ava can see the flag. “Yours have the Canadian flag on them.” He says as he grabs the piece of plastic before pulling it so that Ava could see what he was talking about. 

“Who did this?” Ava asks as she puts the in-ear back in place. 

“Most likely Louis.” Niall replies before patting Ava on the shoulder a couple times 

then walking back down the ramp to the others. 

Ava pushes the pieces of plastic into her ears and starts to tune her guitar. “Looking good Ava!” Ava hears someone yell so she looks up from the guitar she was fiddling with to see Louis facing her with his hands cupped around his mouth. “You’re gonna kill it!” he yells causing Ava to laugh, her cheeks heating up. 

“Break a leg, not the guitar!” Harry yells, joining in.

“Okay lads, starting from the top.” A man who is standing at the front of the stage says into a microphone. Ava watches as Liam and Harry walk up to where Jon is while Niall and Louis stopped a little shorter than Liam and Harry. Then the lights turn on and spotlights focus on the four singers.  

“Ready?” Ava hears Jon ask through the devices in her ears. Ava looks behind her to where Jon is standing behind the keys and nods at him along with Josh and Sandy who are also nodding. 

Harry starts to sing the opening line and suddenly, Ava is thrown head first into a whirlwind of sound, songs and guitar playing. 

**

Once the soundcheck was done, Ava was dripping with sweat, her legs were hurting, and her fingers were buzzing. “Holy shit,” Ava mutters as she sets her guitar down, the strap getting tangled with her wires. She fixes it then follows everyone off the stage when she is stopped by Cory, the man in charge of sound checks. 

“You’re Ava right? I’m Cory.” Cory reaches out a hand for Ava to shake. 

“Hi,” Ava replies after letting go of Cory’s hand. 

“You look like you’re riding a high right now,” Cory laughs. 

“God, I am. And this was just the soundcheck.” 

“Sorry to break the good feeling with some bad news but I really need you to try and not limp when you walk up the catwalk.” Cory says with a sigh. 

“I don’t think that is an attainable task for me. I have a limp in my step that won't go away and I can’t make it go away. It’s not a choice I make, its a physical limitation I have.” Ava replies getting defensive. She was sure that everyone on the tour helping out knew that she was an amputee, but she was still going to explain her situation to Cory, but couldn’t before she was cut off by him talking again.

“Then maybe we should see about you not walking down the catwalk then.” Cory pauses for a second to think before starting again. “Alright. For tomorrow night's show just stay in your spot, okay?” Cory asks not giving Ava a chance to answer before walking away. 

“Sure,” Ava replies even though he couldn’t hear it before walking away and backstage where the others were chilling on sofas. 

Ava knew that there were different dressing rooms for the backing band and the singers, and she knew that she should go to her dressing room but she really doesn’t want to. And she’s never been one to follow rules before anyways. So she plops her butt down to the left of Louis so that he is effectively sandwiched between her and Harry. “How was that?” Louis asks as he wraps an arm around Ava’s shoulders. Just at the thought of playing again got Ava giddy. 

“I feel like I’m high right now. I was scared shitless but it was so much fun.” Ava says with a smile on her face. 

“You’ll have so much fun tomorrow night,” Liam replies from across the room on a different couch. 

“I’ve been worried sick about this for a week now. I don’t want to mess it up because thousands of people will know, but being up there today, I felt no worries and I knew that I wasn’t going to mess up.” Ava divulges, “but, since tomorrow is my first actual show, I will most likely be scared shitless no matter what.”

Harry leans forward so he could see me around Louis. “I was so scared when it came to our first live performance of What Makes You Beautiful. I jumped around too much right before my solo and I was so out of breath. I remember staring into the camera as my hands are shaking, my voice is breathy and all I can think is, ‘I’ve ruined the band.’” 

“But you didn’t ruin us,” Louis pipes up.

“I didn’t, but that didn’t stop me from thinking it.” Harry re adjusts himself so he is facing Ava better. “I guess what I am trying to say is that we’ve all experiences what I can call as stage fright. But the rush you get while being on stage is well worth the little bit of stress right before.” 

“Well said,” Niall says as Harry sits back in the couch.

“Very well said,” Liam counters.

“What do you guys usually do now?” Ava asks after about five minutes of silence. 

“The backing band usually go out drinking while we stay either in the bus, or the hotel seeing as we can’t go out as easily as the others can.” Liam replies. 

“Makes sense, they’re out getting wasted and having fun while you lot stay inside like old married couples. Making sure to get eight hours of sleep while also getting three square meals a day.” Ava laughs at the squawk that makes its way out of Louis’ mouth. 

“We are not old!” Louis exclaims. 

“We have lots of fun, it’s just usually it’s contained to one of our hotel rooms.” Niall defends. 

“Just wait until you see our tour bus, we’ve got it decked out for maximum pleasure,” Harry says but instantly regrets it, his face twisting at how cringy what he had just said sounded. Ava curls in on herself as she laughs, her sides starting to hurt. 

“What the fuck was that? What just came out of your mouth?” Ava asks through laughter. 

Niall and Liam were still laughing while Louis and Ava had sobered up. Ava took notice of Harry’s face and how his eyebrows had pinched and his mouth had puckered. With a little smile Ava pushed into Louis making his torso lean over closer to Harry. Louis looks over to Ava with confusion on his face. ‘Comfort’ Ava mouths at him and nudges his side again hoping he takes the hint. Louis does and Ava watches as Louis grabs for Harry’s hand, holding it in his while he talks softly to Harry.All Ava wants is to see the people she cares about being happy and as far as she’s concerned, Louis would be much more happy if he was with Harry. If Ava couldn’t be happy she will damn well make sure others around her are.

“We all know that you know everything about giving maximum pleasure.” Niall teases causing Liam to break out with new laughter. 

“Oh piss off Horan,” Harry says with a smile and instantly, everything is right with the world again. 

**

Ava follows Louis and the others back to his and Niall's hotel room watching intently to how Louis is talking animatedly to Harry. As Ava was walking, she slowed down a bit before she straightened her left leg fully, extending if in front of her then putting her body weight on it before bringing her right leg forward to repeat the process. But halfway through the motion, a sharp sting of pain runs up her right leg as she puts her weight onto her right leg not unlike how an able bodied person would when walking. Taking in a sharp quiet gasp at the pain, Ava continues to walk behind the others but making sure to put most of her body weight on her left leg when walking creating a limp. 

They enter the hotel room and Ava goes to sit down on one of the double beds in the room. Louis comes to sit next to her while Harry and Liam take the other bed leaving Niall to sit in the Armchair next to the table that is in the room. “What do you guys usually do after a day like today?” Ava asks as she gets comfortable on the bed. 

“It usually depends on the type of day.” Harry replies. 

“If it is a day like today, a day before a show, full of meetings, then we usually just

lounge around in one of our hotel rooms just like we are now. If we’ve had a really busy day full of training, interviews, a meet and greet, a concert, then we usually stay backstage decompressing or on the bus depending if we’re staying in hotels or on the bus for that night.” Liam describes. 

“Almost all nights end with us having a couple beers whilst we play Fifa if were on the bus or watch TV and chat if were in a hotel.” Niall says before hopping out of his chair. “Speaking of beer, lets raid the mini fridge.” Niall goes over to the small fridge that is under the TV. After opening it, Niall turns his head to look at us, “I also got Paddy to bring us up a 12-pack.” Niall turns back around before grabbing the case of beer along with mini bottles of what Ava could assume was vodka. 

Niall sits back down in his chair, spreading out everything he had in his arms out on the table. Niall breaks open the case of beer before grabbing a bottle and tossing it to Liam. “Oi! Don’t throw them mate!” Liam exclaims as he fumbles to catch the bottle of amber liquid. Niall doesn’t heed what Liam has said and continues to throw beer to Harry and Louis. Ava watches carefully as Niall grabs another beer, about to throw it to her. 

“I don’t want one Niall, thank you though.” Ava declines, “I’ll stick with water.” holding up and shaking the water bottle that is in her hand. 

“Oh right! I remember you saying that you don’t drink.” Niall shakes his head  before opening his bottle, “I still think you’re missing out.” Ava ducks her head, eyes trained on her lap but not before meeting Liam’s sympathetic gaze.   

Ava remembers that Liam was there when she was at Dr. Gordon's and that he would’ve remembered that Ava struggles when it came to alcohol. Ava finds herself opening her mouth and words start to spill out of her mouth. “I had my first taste of alcohol when I was seventeen at a party, you’d be safe in assuming that I got really drunk that night like anyone would. I would continue to drink at every party I went to, which to say was a lot as I went through school. But then my parents die and I have no friends to lean on so I became dependent on the feeling of not having to feel the pain of losing them. I was staying inside all day, getting up in the morning and getting drunk before noon each day, finishing the day off by passing out on my couch with a bottle in my left hand. Gosh, I don’t know why I’m telling you this.” Ava gives a depressed chuckle. “I was doing that for over a year. Then my life gets fucked up even more,” Ava points to her amputation, “I get put on Codeine for pain management while I’m still drinking every day. I didn’t care about the harm I was doing to my body by combining the drug with alcohol. I honestly had nothing to live for. So I would get drowsy and have headaches on a good day, but on a bad day I would get dizzy and I would sometimes forget where I was. Like a permanent fog was clouding my thoughts.”

“One day, the pain was really bad. I was just learning how to walk with a prosthetic and the pain was unmanageable. I ended up taking a higher dosage of pain meds, washing them down with a bottle of scotch. That day I was determined to get up the stairs myself which was something that I was working on for about a week at that point. I remember making it halfway up before my head started to spin, then making it to three quarters of the way before my breathing got restricted. Then everything goes black from there.” Ava pauses to shakily wipe away her tears. Ava feels a hand on her back, rubbing up and down so she looks over to see Louis looking at her. 

“You don’t have to tell us,” Louis says softly.

“No, you deserve to know.” Ava pushes on, clearing her throat, “I woke up in the ICU at a Toronto hospital. I later found out that the combination of the drugs and alcohol was lethal and I had collapsed due to not enough oxygen getting to my brain. I had fallen down the stairs and concussed myself by hitting my head on the floor. I was in a coma for three weeks before waking up. After that point, I had to see a therapist and I was allowed to stay on codeine for pain as long as I vowed to never abuse alcohol again.”

Ava finally looks up, “now you know a part of my past that I am ashamed of and why I don’t drink.”

“I feel so bad for pressuring you and for my comments.” Niall says slightly horrified.

“It’s okay, really. Just, can we not talk about it?”

“But-”

“Please?” Ava pleads, “I’m opening up to you guys and I’m letting you in, which is  stupid but I trust you all, which is also stupid. Please let me go at my own pace when I tell you these things. There’s a lot that you still don’t know and I don’t want to scare you off, so, lets just watch TV yeah?” Ava sits curled up next to Louis as the others watch the local TV program.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you see any mistakes, please let me know.  
> I hope you enjoyed the fourth chapter.  
> I hope to have the fifth one written and posted once writers block stops killing me.  
> -S


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